Whatever We Had

Twenty

#WWH20
20
_____

Jealous

2 months have passed since Lisle's birthday. Today's my 18th birthday but it will be celebrated tomorrow evening since we still have classes in the morning. We didn't plan to celebrate it during the semestral break because mom and dad want me to have the traditional after party for my 18th... I won't be 18 yet if I have it celebrated earlier.

Hindi ko alam ang dapat na maramdaman. I am so nervous for tomorrow. I feel like I'll throw up anytime in that event. Naghahalo ang kaba at excitement ko para bukas. Kilala ko naman yung mga bisita but I don't want too much exposure.

Abala ang lahat mag ayos para bukas. Kakatapos lang din ng aming salo-salo kasama ang mga Loyola at Clemente. Kuya Zeus and ate Cy had to ditch tomorrow's classes to attend my debut. Kanina ang flight nila kaya umabot pa sila sa salo-salo. My cousins will sleep here in our house while my Aunts and Uncles booked a room in the same hotel that my party will be held.

I'm wearing a maroon plunged neck long gown with a thigh-high slit. It's also a backless gown with sequins on it. This was a gown designed by Ari's mom. Like my previous birthdays, mom is the one who picked this gown. Mom picked a mature dress this time. She said it's time for a change. I don't think it matches the celebration, though.

My heart is beating in an exaggerated manner. It feels like it will jump out of my ribcage anytime. The thought of me sitting on the stage for a long time with the guests looking at me will probably make me faint. I'm not a fan of too much attention so facing alot of people makes me nervous.

Sinalubong ako ni Lisle na siyang escort ko ngayon. After what happened on his birthday, he dropped me off to our house. Tahimik lang kami buong byahe pauwi. I could see him stealing glances at me but he never aimed for a conversation, and so I didn't, too. Paminsan minsan ay sumusulyap siya sa relong suot suot at bigla na lang ngingiti.

Nang makauwi kami ay nag-usap lang sila nila mommy at daddy. Hiyang hiya ako at di na binalak pang bumaba ng oras na iyon. We eventually started seeing each other. He would either ask me out or study with me.

Of course, Ash knew what happened. At first, she was hysterical but she eventually accepted it... I guess. She just started disappearing at times when Lisle and I are together. But I know she's not the kind of person that backs out so she's probably not done with Lisle, yet. Lately, she seemed listless.

"You ready?" Lisle asked as he offered his arms. Agad akong tumango at inangkla ang aking kamay sa kanyang braso.

I don't know what's our status now. We're not together... but it seems like it. I guess we're on the dating stage. And he's not even courting me. O baka katulad ni Russ na nanliligaw na pala hindi lang nagsasabi? I don't know. I don't want to assume. Kung anong meron kami ngayon, I can settle with that.

Speaking of Russ, I kindly rejected him after Lisle's birthday. We're still good friends but I rarely see him now. I'm so guilty... pakiramdam ko pinaasa ko siya. I told him I liked him but not to the extent that I am ready to engage in a relationship with him.

And when things went well with Lisle, I dumped him. What's worse is that he accepted it willingly. Hindi siya nagalit o anuman. I just saw sadness and pain. Kasama na rin siguro ang panghihinayang.

Ari told me he's been busy with girls... fooling around. Ayokong isipin na dahil sakin pero sa tingin ko dahil sa akin nga. Russ has been a good guy kaya nang malaman kong papalit palit na siya ng babae ngayon ay nakakagulat.

I blamed myself for that. I think I chose to be with him for the mean time because it's convenient. I took advantage of him... of his kindness, his loyalty. And I'm still patching things up with him until now. Lagi niyang sinasabing ayos lang siya pero alam kong hindi.