No Matter What ~ Jackxpenn

Chapter 9 - Not Good Enough?

Author's note: This chapter is going to start with a MAJOR time skip until after Playlist Live. I just find it hard to write about Playlist Live, and I have attempted it about three times already. Basically, it just wasn't working the way I wanted, and it felt like a filler chapter; which is not what I want to have for you guys. Plus, it works out better with the plot line I'm using. Thank you in advance for understanding :) Anyways, onto the chapter!

Jenn POV

It has been a few days since the end of Playlist Live, which meant not seeing Jack again. I don't know if I could take it for that long; until he moves to LA at the end of May. It would be much longer than last time, which almost killed me. I had only been without with for a few days and I've already slumped into mild depression. We text everyday, but deep down, I feel like we are growing apart. I don't know if it's just my emotions playing with me, or if it's actually true. Jenn, calm down. He's just busy finishing school and finalizing things for the move to LA. It concerned me though, I felt like it just hasn't been the same ever since we admitted to liking each other. I was afraid this would happen; we would ruin our friendship, and potentially bring the Fab Five down with us.

I was sleeping in everyday until noon, and was hardly talking to any of my friends. I couldn't eat, and I was getting weaker and weaker each day. Maybe I was just overeacting. Maybe it's just all a dream. No, no Jenn. This is real life; full with complications, and challenges.

My emotions have been all over the place. I have been so angry that I almost throw my phone at the wall, but still so sad that it seems like the world is collapsing around me. Why was I like this? Jack has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. It was killing me without him. He was my rock, my stability, the one who made me smile. Now, it was different. Or maybe it was just me? Am I going insane?

Suddenly, my phone buzzed. I picked it up, hoping it was Jack; and luckily, it was.

Jacky: Hey Jenn Jenn. I miss you! What's up in Jenn's world today?

I went to respond, but my fingers wouldn't move. The feeling of missing him overcame me, and I started to bawl. Thank God that Andrea went away with Kian for a few days; I hated people seeing me cry. Eventually, I regained strength, and began to type.

Jenn: Nothing planned for today! Just having a relaxing day.

The text was half true; I didn't have anything planned, but today would be far from relaxing. I wanted to put in that I missed him too, but I knew if I began to type it, I would start crying again.

I looked around my bedroom for anything edible, meaning that I wouldn't have to get up. To my despair, I didn't find anything, and groaned before getting up. The sudden weight on my feet almost made me collapse; I was so weak from staying in bed for the last few days. Finally, I made my way to the kitchen, and grabbed myself an apple. I hated skin on my apples, but I was too lazy to peel it, so I just made my way back to bed. After eating my apple, I slowly drifted back to sleep.

I knocked on his door, and knowing it was unlocked, I opened it. "Hello?" I shouted, but no answer. "Jack? Where are you?" I walked around his appartment, but it was empty. My eyes were drawn to a scrap piece of paper on the floor. I picked it up, examining it. "DON'T EVEN TRY. YOU'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH," It read. Suddenly I fell to the floor, as if someone had taken a knife and stabbed me in the stomach. I started to cry, clutching my stomach on the ground. Then, I heard something; footsteps. "Oh my god, Jenn! Are you okay?" a voice said. I turned to see, Jack? I went to get up and hug him, but saw a figure behind Jack. I looked in surprise as she came into light; Claudia? Why was she here?"Oh Jenn, you do know he doesn't love you, right? You're just a charity case. You will never, ever deserve Jack. You're useless, and Jack will never love you the way he loves me," she hissed, as I was thrown to the ground again, out of breath, and full of pain. Just as I was about to get up, I saw it. Claudia kissing Jack, and Jack kissing back. I cryed harder, curling up into a ball in pain on the ground.

When I woke up, I was covered in cold sweat, and had tears running down my face. I went to get up to get a drink, but my head was top heavy and had a pounding headache. Eventually, I managed to get up to walk to the kitchen, but stopped at a mirror along the way. I lifted up my shirt, revealing my stomach. I was so fat. I put it down again, turning direction to look at my face. I thought about Claudia, and about the paper. Am I not good enough for Jack? Do I not deserve him? I cringed at the thought of Jack being with Claudia and not me. I continued to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water, and looked down; reminding me I was soaking wet from sweating and needed to change.

I made it back to my bedroom, and rummanged through my drawers, looking for something that would look good. I tossed clothes all over the floor; none of them made me look skinny. But what was I thinking? I would never be skinny, because I was fat, and no clothes could change that. I settled on another pair of pajamas, being I was most likely going back to bed anyways.

I climbed into bed, and pulled the blankets over me. Before closing my eyes, I took out my phone and went on Instagram. I refreshed my feed. I scrolled through picture after picture, selfie after selfie, then I saw it. A picture Jack had posted an hour ago, with Claudia. My heart dropped to my stomach. Was my dream trying to tell me something? I looked closer at the picture. He was awfully close to her, and his arm was around her. The scene of them kissing played over and over in my head. Then, something in me cracked. I started sobbing uncontrolably. I threw my phone at the wall, not caring if it shattered. I looked around the room with tears streaming down my face.

I searched all over for it. With tears still running down my face, I finally found it; in the bathroom. I held it in my hand, my whole body trembling and my hand shaking. I couldn't believe what I was about to do. Slowly, I moved the razor blade closer to my wrist.

Author's note: Okay, this chapter just got very deep. Im sorry! And I'm also sorry that there wasn't any dialogue in this entire chapter. I wanted to dedicate one chapter to Jenn's feelings and her struggle. Depression is not an easy topic to write about, but I wanted to make it part of the main plot line to raise awareness of what someone may be going through, and where their mind is that. I also wanted to include this because this is very much based on my best friend and her story, who is now one of the happiest people I know. Anyways, I'm not sure if I'll have another chapter up today, as chapters like this are both physically and mentally hard to write. But thank you all for the reads and votes :)

Self promo: Twitter: thatsogalaxy