Worthy (Part 2)

Blackouts and Ice cream

I thank god Dr. Winters runs her sessions out of her house.

She has coloring books for Ella, and she doesn't mind when we bring Happy. Sometimes Dr. Winters mom makes cookies with Ella.

"Whatever makes my life easier" she says.

I kiss Ella on the head after she sits down with her crayons and head into a different room.

We get into the usual, but I'm focused on asking her about blacking out

Me: I zone out all the time, but this was like, drank a bottle of tequila, woke up in someone else's bed kind of blacking out.

Dr. winters: and you said you were at grief group when this happened?

Me: Yeah.

I didnt even bother covering up what happened. She wouldn't judge me, to my face anyways. And she's known me long enough now, she knows when I'm lying. She isn't afraid to call me on my bullshit.

Dr. winters: Well, it's certainly not normal

Great.

Dr. Winters: But I get it.

Hmm?

Dr. Winters: You zone out at grief group, because you don't want to hear their stories. You don't want to connect, and feel their pain, more pain.

Well that just made me feel like a dick.

Dr. Winters: it's your way of coping. Like fight or flight. This is your "flight". You go to your own thoughts, a self preservation kind of thing. Your brain was trying to block out the sad, and bring you happiness. Aka, sex.

Me: Why could I get it up with her though? I've tried with other women and it just... didn't happen.

Dr. Winters: Your brain was essentially "turned off". You weren't thinking about how upset you are, or how it would effect your thoughts about Annie, or anything like that.

Me: So, just turn my brain off, and my dick will work? I dont know if i like that.

She smiled

Dr. Winters: Try actually opening yourself up in these situations. Let yourself feel the things you've been hiding from. You have to let yourself understand that you're still hurting, in order to heal.

We talked some more, i told her about Ashley, and how she asked about my sign. She tried to hold in her laugh, but I saw her lipstick stained lip twitch up a little.

We walked out of the door and Ella came running at us. She had a picture for me, and a picture for Dr. Winters. Dr. Winters took up the picture and smiled before pulling Ella into her office. I was surprised when she put it into a picture frame and hung it on the wall next to her licenses and diplomas. Baby girl was beaming.

We left there, and went to the park. Ella and Happy sat at the appointment for so long, they were both antsy to blow off some energy. So, i let them loose.

This was a different park. We didn't go to the other park.

We didn't usually go to any parks. We had a whole forest we liked to adventure, but, i couldnt lock Ella away forever. She needed to be around people.

Happy came up and rested his head on my lap and i pet him.

My boy was getting old. He couldn't keep up with a crazy 6 year old anymore. He was getting more gray in his hair like me too.

After awhile, i saw Ella coming towards me. Her arm was hooked around a curly haired red headed girl. They were both smiling.

She just makes friends everywhere she goes.

Ella: daddy, can Danny come get ice cream with us?

I turned to look at Danny and smiled

Me: Where is your human?

The girls giggled

Danny turned around, shielding her eyes from the sun, I followed her gaze and almost shit myself.

A short woman, with curly red hair to match dannys came towards us.

Grief group girl.

My palms were sweaty.

Please don't smack me in front of my daughter.

I looked at Danny

Her dad killed himself....

Fuck....

Grief group girl came strolling up to us with a big pearly white smile.

Grief group girl: Hi.

Me: Hi

She put her hand on Dannys shoulder and held out her other for me. I shook it.

Grief group girl: I'm charley.

Did we not exchange names? Maybe she didn't remember me? She wasn't acting as nervous or awkward as I felt like i was.

Me: Emory.

Ella: daddy?

I shook my head a little to get my bearings

Me: Would you ladies like to join us for ice cream?

Charley looked down at Danny. I knew that look. "I really dont want to, but she shouldn't have to suffer"

I didnt really want them to come either. I didnt want to force conversation. Or act happy. And i didnt know what game she was playing at. Did she really not realize?

Charley: Alright, but we can't stay long.

The girls jumped up and down cheering. I gave Charley a fake smile, she gave me one back.

I hooked Happys leash back on and we walked around the block.

Everyone got ice cream, even happy got some kind of dog ice cream, and we sat down.

The girls were just talking back and forth so fast.

Danny: I saw him pick his boogars and eat it.

Ella: Ewww!

Maybe Danny was a good friend to keep around.

Charley laughed a little

Charley: Danny, dont be mean.

I looked over at charley while she focused on her ice cream.

Her hair was red, but I could see little bits of brown and blonde, perfect ringlets. She had long eyelashes, dark green eyes, and freckles over the bridge of her little nose. She had a tan that said she worked outside.

Ella: You should come see, its huge! Daddy fixed it so i dont fall through the floor. We still gotta paint it. OH! You can come paint with us!

She was so proud of that tree house. It was a pain in the ass, but worth it. My little nature baby was always so excited to come help. And I think she learned a lot.

Ella: daddy, can she?

Those eyes. I was in so much trouble.

Me: It's up to her mom babe, i dont care.

Charley shifted in her seat. I knew what she was feeling. She didn't want her distraction to leave for a night.

Me: maybe next weekend kiddo.

She smiled and turned her attention back to Danny. I glanced over at Charley and she mouthed a "thank you".