Trying Not To Love You

Part Sixty Four

Chapter Sixty Four

A wet Sunday morning and Sonny had nothing to do; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had no agenda. Jade had phoned him several times, but he’d ignored that. She was fun, she was keen, she liked him, but he wasn’t someone who did relationships, he was always honest about that. Until Martha, she was everywhere, when he closed his eyes he saw her, smelled her, when he walked around the house he envisaged her cooking, sitting at the table laughing, dancing to crap music drunkenly in the kitchen, and smiling up at him from his pillow. It was all there. All haunting him.

Yet you slept with Jade. Jade, uncomplicated Jade, she came with no conditions, no baggage and no hassle. Martha was the opposite, or rather he brought that to her. Being with Jade was a no brainer; there was no consequence and no heartache there. It made sense.

He showered in the outhouse, since his first days Martha had fixed the heating so it wasn’t an icy hell any more, then he headed into the house for breakfast, to find Lucy sat at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette. She looked up as he entered the room and smiled.

                “You ok?” He nodded and started to fill the coffee machine,  she took another puff then added, “bloody awful weather. Hope Martha isn’t back at the zoo today.”

That caught his attention and he stared at Lucy, she laughed, “if you’re that interested in what she’s doing why have you let her go and why the HELL are you hanging around with that...girl?”

Sonny turned back to the sink and placed his hands on the draining board, his head hanging, “don’t do this Lucy.”

She gave a laugh, “don’t? Sonny it seems I’m the only one willing to speak the truth to you.” A heave of his shoulders was the only response, so she continued, “you told me you loved her, you told me that she’d changed your life.”

                “She did!” He turned around. “She has. She changed everything, but I’m no good for her, I can’t be what she wants.”

                “Stop feeling sorry for yourself. And anyway, shouldn’t she have been the one to decide that?”

He shook his head, “no, Martha’s good, caring, loving. She sees someone to heal in every situation; she’d never see the good in me, not long term. I’ve brought the police to her door three times, she’s given me an alibi...that’s not her world Lucy, that’s MINE she’s too good for it, and I’m not good enough for her.”

Lucy extinguished her cigarette forcibly, “that young man is horse shit. You know and I know it. Martha isn’t judgemental and she doesn’t love easily. You screwed up, big style, bringing that...girl here,” she almost spat the words out. “What are you trying to do to her? Because it’s one thing walking away from her, and a whole other rubbing her nose in your next conquest. You’ve blown any chance that she’ll ever take you back, and you’ll struggle to keep her as just a friend. All YOUR fault.”

                “I don’t have a defence Lucy, because that’s the kind of bloke I am really, deep down.”

She scoffed at that, “you are normally cocky, over confident, I can’t accept this from you. Rolling over in self pity.”

His answer was a shrug, she pondered that for a moment, taking a long drag on her cigarette, “what I will say is that you may be started to do what YOU think is the right thing, but you and I know that there’s more to it, and so does she.  You’ve listened to Carl, probably Michael, and probably her,” she referenced Stephanie without speaking her name. “I don’t care what concoction of reasons they’ve come up with to do this, you are better than that.  And the other thing I know is Martha is strong minded and resourceful.  She deserves the truth from the man she loves. The FIRST man she’s loved I hasten to add. THAT is what SHE deserves.”