Trying Not To Love You

Part Forty Six

Chapter Forty Six

Sonny stared at the screen, for all that he’d seen, for all that he knew, he had still half hoped that Scott Oldbury would walk back into their world at any point. It would mean that he’d know, about Ethan which would be hell, but he’d be alive, and they wouldn’t be staring at his photo on the TV news. But he wasn’t and they were.  He felt before he saw Martha crumple, and turning to her he pulled her into his arms. Caring for her, supporting her made it easier to forget.

                “You ok?” He asked when she stopped crying, wiped at her eyes.

She shrugged, “it’s like everything I ever wanted, Scott off the scene, I wouldn’t have to hide Ethan anymore. But he’s Ethan’s father. For all his faults, for the bastard that he was, Ethan will never know him.” She sighed, “and that doesn’t make sense because I hate him, and there was never any chance I was going to let them meet.”

He stroked her hair, “I think it’s ok to feel bad, maybe a bit guilty, I mean you wouldn’t be the only person who wished him dead. But wishing doesn’t make things happen. He was involved in more than just vandalising your dad’s place. The underworld has a way of policing itself, and a single gunshot...that’s a premeditated thing.”

Martha shuddered, “poor Scott. He didn’t deserve that. No one does.”

Sonny nodded, “you’re right.”

They sat in silence for a little while, and the air of sadness followed them to bed. Lying together Martha clung to Sonny for strength and support, feeling as though someone had thrown her world up into the air and she was trying to catch all the pieces and failing. She’d lived in fear for five years, suddenly that fear was gone. She was free of him, of the threat of him. She could do what she wanted. That had always meant going home to her father, but the way that he had spoken to her that morning made her doubt that she could do that. She wasn’t a teenager, and she wasn’t about to succumb to his rule, just as she wouldn’t to Scott’s. But the fact that she no longer needed to hide, the face that she could tell everyone about Ethan pleased her, it was a relief. He deserved better.

It was in the early hours that she was woken by Sonny, thrashing and groaning beside her. Shaking him gently she was rewarded with his eyes popping open in sudden recognition.

                “You ok? Think you were having a nightmare.”

Sonny stared at Martha, the last thing he remembered was drowning, hellish faces from the past merging with Oldbury, and then the man he’d just discovered was his father. All of it seemed to conspire to take over his sanity. He took a few deep breaths, feeling his racing heart pounding in his chest, the sweat slick on his forehead. For a moment he let her arms encircle him, let her hold him as he tried to make the step from the fantasy of a nightmare, to the reality of the dark bedroom. And with that reality came the shame, the guilt, the feelings of inadequacy that he fought on a daily basis. There was nothing more terrifying for Sonny that being exposed and vulnerable. So he jumped up, stormed out of the bedroom.

He was in the kitchen drinking a large glass of water when Martha found him, and she moved behind him, placing her arms around his waist, resting her cheek against his bare back.

They stood there together for a long moment before he turned in her arms and held her close. He couldn’t let her get suspicious, couldn’t let her know where he’d been, what he’d done. He couldn’t bear to see her hate him.

So instead, he lowered his head, his lips finding hers, wrapping them both up, consuming themselves with passion, it was the only way to guarantee sleep, and the only way he could fell his mind with positive thoughts.