Secrets, Love and Lies (18+)

23 - All the Broken Hearts

The air is heavy as I answer my mother.

"I'm so sorry for what you endured, and I don't wish you any more pain. I just don't know if I can forgive you for leaving me behind. I've been so hurt by everyone in my life that I just don't have anything left to give or forgive. And now I've lost Alex who was...well...my last hope."

I let her embrace me tightly as I release more salty tears for her pain and mine. The ache of our stories begins to meld together in my mind and though I still felt the cutting loss she subjected me to, I allow myself the comfort of her arms which have been denied me up till now.

"Lily, I know I have no right to ask you anything...but what you did tonight...when you took those pills...why did you take so many?"

My voice is barely a whisper in reply. "To stop the pain."

"You mean...permanently...right?"

I don't reply, I haven't even come to terms with what I did, myself. My mind is still trapped in a place of confusion and aching torment. What I don't understand is how the pain suddenly feels just a little lighter while I lay here with my mother; she, after all, is the source of much I've endured.

She releases a shaky sigh behind me and pulls my hair back from my makeup and tear stained face. For the first time since she entered my room, I turn to face her.

"There's nothing left for me. I have to leave New York and go back to Miami with Gunnar to marry Walter in three weeks. I'm just not strong enough to do this anymore..."

Her eyes convey nothing but empathy and love as she answers.

"Yes...yes, you are. I don't know all of what you've endured with your father these years, and I hope that one day you'll share with me when I've earned your trust. But you need to know that you're not alone anymore. I know you're angry with me, you're hurt that you were lied to, and you feel abandoned...but you need to know that you have a whole family behind you now. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

I've already talked to Milos and we're here to support you if you want to leave. And I have property both here in New York and in Naples that your grandfather left behind for us. Milos can have new documents in your hands by the end of the week. I know I haven't been here for you all these years when you needed me, and I'll never be able to make that up to you. But I promise you, I will be here for you in this. I will do everything in my power to be here for you now."

A moment later a ruckus sounds at the doorway and a familiar voice sounds out from the hallway before I can even see his face. "Ma...we need to get out of here now. Gunnar's on his way and could be here any minute."

Milos stands in the doorway beside Alex. Luca, ever the quiet sentinel, is patiently waiting behind them all.

"You really should get going, I'm expecting them here anytime, guys," Luca says softly. I don't know why he's working so hard to protect them, but I'm grateful.

My mother's expression washes in fear as she turns to her husband, and they share a knowing glance. It's a silent conversation between two people who need no words to speak to each other. I'm stunned and even a little jealous at their closeness, their synchronicity.

"I love you, Lily. You have my number if you choose to use it. But please consider us as an alternative. I have to go, but know that you can call me anytime, day or night and I'll be here..."

She softly releases my hands and quietly walks into Milos's arms. They both give me weak smiles and then quickly make their exit.

Alex and Luca stay behind; Alex seats himself at my bedside, remaining close to me. Luca takes his place like a soldier beside the door, maintaining his position as my dutiful guard.