Secrets, Love and Lies (18+)

26 - Lullaby

5 Years Ago

If you've never been a teenager in sudden need of a pregnancy test, you won't understand the feelings that go through me as I pick through varying boxes in the family planning aisle. I've chosen a store on the other side of town, but I can't stop my constant, frightened glances, searching the aisle for familiar faces. I'm absolutely terrified.

I can't decide what brand to choose and don't want to be standing here anymore, so I grab two different boxes with an expensive name brand and glance around the aisle once more. There are only a few unfamiliar customers standing a way off down the aisle from me and I suddenly decide I want to look quickly for something to conceal my purchase. I run down the next aisle and retrieve a scarf and some mascara to hide the boxes in my hand from any prying eyes as I wait for the cashier.

Every moment I stand by the checkout feels like the tests are burning in my hands under the scarf and I can't slow my pounding heart or conceal my flushed cheeks.

I am terrified to be found out, terrified about the possibility of a positive test. I shouldn't be here, I think to myself. I shouldn't be all by myself, wondering if I am going to have a baby, Luca's baby. Luc should be here with me. At least if he were here, I might be able to breathe, the aching in my chest might ease even by an iota. As it is, I watch the cashier put through my purchases with barely a glance in my direction. I pay and exit the store, nearly at a jog toward my Mercedes. I have to force myself to abide by the speed limit the entire drive home.

As I rush into the house, I'm relieved to find my father is nowhere in sight. I quickly trek upstairs to my room.

I lock my bedroom door before changing into comfortable clothes and bring the drugstore bag into my bathroom. I read the directions about five times, afraid to make a mistake on the test, but it seems like I'm just supposed to pee on the stick, so that's what I do.

The test now rests on the counter, the timer on my phone set for three minutes. I wander back into my room to find some form of distraction. Anything that will take my mind off the three minutes of eternity waiting on my bathroom counter.

Instead of some worthy distraction, I pace my bedroom back and forth in front of my mirror. My appearance is haggard now, I'm pale but my cheeks are flushed and my forehead sweaty, my eye makeup has begun to smear in the corners from intermittent tears that escape. The bags under my eyes have only gotten worse over the past couple months, since I rarely sleep anymore. Between fear and pain, the two emotions bring me a constant dose of adrenaline at bedtime which keep me tossing and turning every night.

Finally, my timer sounds and I run back to the bathroom. I pause at the doorway, my fingers resting on the handle.

This is it. The moment of truth is here, and I can't bring myself to look at the test results. I don't know how to do this. I think briefly about calling Kaylie or Sierra but I don't know that I can trust either of them to keep this quiet. If my father finds out, he will kill Luca in a quite literal sense, I'm sure of it. As angry as I am at Luca for how he hurt me, I could never wish him physical harm. It pains me to admit, but I still love him with everything in me.

I'm a weak, stupid, foolish girl.

Here I stand at the doorway. Lily Dietrich, the girl who fell in love with a boy who pretended to love her, took her virginity and moved on to the next girl after he got what he wanted. And after everything Gunnar has done to me, I don't think I'll be able to face another man.

I'm worthless, dirty, used, discarded. Who could ever love someone like me?

My stomach churns again as I step into the bright white, marbled bathroom. I step in front of the test and the words loom before my eyes before I can even reach it with my fingers.