IT'S COMPLICATED

WHEN THE PAST MEETS THE PRESENT

He puts the phone down and gives me an awkward smile. I smile back as awkwardly.

'Lili's always too serious about the dates she plans' He says.

Lili?  Maybe I was wrong about him and Linda.

'Well, um say hi to Lili for me!' I say with as much happiness I can force out.

We end this extremely awkward and weird conversation with a quick 'yeah' and go about our work. As I leave his office I feel a pang of sadness in my heart. Well our hearts and minds do have the tendency to go back to what's familiar but that's not always healthy, like this isn't. So, I ignore my sudden emotion.

Today, I was too busy to look up from all the paperwork arrangement so by the time all of that finished, I was the only one there in the whole building. I put my desk in order and arranged it so it'll be easy to begin work tomorrow. I take a quick look at my watch and I am baffled! HOW IS IT MIDNIGHT! I need to run. I reach the main gate and open my Uber app to book a cab but apparently in this area there is not a single Uber that can reach here to pick me by 12:30. I wait for awhile when I see the small dot that looks like an Uber drive almost past the road that leads to this building but when I tap on it it shows it's booked! OH FUCK!

Should I call Zoe? I think I should. It rings until I am directed to voice mail. Ughhh! 

It's really cold out here. I feel a little chilly so I hug onto my blazer and rub my arms.

I could call James. I scroll through my contacts list and tap onto his number. Ugh. Busy.

Soon a black Audi drives in front of me and as the windows roll down I regret not trying to call Zoe one more time.

'Anna! We meet again!' Will exclaims.

I force out a smile, 'I guess'

'Ooh it's chilly out, I really don't think waiting here will be a good idea. Come on in, I'll drop you off.'

I weigh the pros and cons of helplessly standing here. Well, I see more cons than pros so as he opens the door of his car and I quickly get in. I close the door and take off my coat. I suddenly feel so aware of my surroundings, more importantly myself. My hands are almost shaking.

Will turns up the heat as he notices I am shivering. 'Are you okay?' Will asks.

I can't force out a proper sentence without messing up so I just nod. He puts his hand on my shoulder and asks again 'Are you sure?'. I sense that he won't take nodding for an answer so I let out a 'Yeah'. 

'So, where to?' He asks.

'Elgin Avenue 5th street Millennium Building' I say.

'Ooh. Wow' He remarks and starts the engine.

Half of the way he tried to make small talk but he knows very well none of us are any good at that. I am very cautious of what I say until he brings up old high school memories. Not the ones from when we were dating but from the time before, when we were best friends. We were best friends ever since first grade pretty much from the time when he punched a bully who was giving me a hard time. We had been inseparable since then. 

'Ann do you remember Melinda Wellington?' He asks playfully.

'Oh my god! Don't even start with that!' I swat his arm and cover my face with my hands with embarrassment. 

'The way you punched her in 9th grade! You guys fought like cats each and everyday!' He laughs.

'I had my reasons' I try to not to sound embarrassed.

'The reason being that she used to date that senior jock that you liked' He laughed again.

'Thats so not true! I used to argue with her cuz she always tried to out shine me in things like writing and music' I come off a bit proud but I don't regret it because playing music and writing had always been something which I liked doing. I used to play the guitar for a really long time, but my heart had always wanted me to be a successful writer. So after college, I don't play as often anymore.

'Do you remember Serena Stone?' Will asks, and my heart drops.

Serena was my best friend in sophomore year. Will and Serena had dated for a month before Will and I started dating. It was really a tough time for us when Serena had actually texted the whole school that Will had been cheating on me with her over summer break. I knew it was a lie because we had gone on a road trip during the summer break and after we returned Will was staying with me all of the time at our holiday cabin in Miami. But that was not all for the school year. After I had started dating James in college, Serena had called me she told me she and Will were back together. But it was almost 4 years ago so I assumed that they had broken up which they did.

'Anna? You there?' Will asks. Oh shoot!

'Oh sorry, I was just-' Will interrupts me mid sentence. 'You were just  what?'He growls. Suddenly I feel numb, like I cannot move or breathe properly for that matter. We were finally able to talk normally, without any awkwardness. How did everything go downhill like this?

'Huh? Let me guess what excuse you were about to give, You are just too exhausted or you were thinking about work, which one?' He is not growling anymore, his tone is bitter.

'No' I mutter under my breath.

'Don't lie to me Anna, but more importantly don't lie to yourself' His voice is soft and I can sense pain.

'No I am not, why would I in the first place?' I try to stand my ground yet my voice quivers.

The car stops, I look around to find that he has parked the car right in front of the main gate of my apartment building. 

'You are lying to yourself' He says and his palm touches my cheeks. A shot of adrenaline runs through my veins. He moves closer. There is less than a centimetre between us. 

'Do you not want me anymore?' He whispers. I gasp as soon as he says this. I do. I want him but not all desires are healthy.

'Not all desires are healthy' I mumble.

'I agree, they aren't. But this one is' He whispers in my ear and before I could stop myself I was kissing him. My heart rate has increased and I feel a sudden relief in my body as my shoulders relax and my muscles let go. I have craved this feeling since forever. This passion, these sparks, my heart beating out of my chest are what I want, in this moment more than anything. With James none of these feelings are there. JAMES! WHAT AM I DOING!

I stop kissing him and nudge him away. 'I need to go, I have priorities and you, you have a girlfriend! So goodbye' I open the car door.

'I will leave her if I can be with you!' he almost pleads.

I sling my blazer over my arm get down from the car and say, 'No. She matters' seconds before I slam the door.

I run up the stairs as fast as I can and knock on the wooden door to our apartment. James opens the door and pulls me into a tight hug as usual and kisses my forehead. 'Day one and you are late! wow you were not kidding when you called me in the afternoon and said that you were swamped!' A horrible feeling of guilt overwhelms me. I kiss him to get rid of it. In that fraction of a second all I could think of was Will and how things were different with him. 

He pulls away a few seconds early. 'Have you eaten anything?'. I shake my head. 

'I knew it, come in I made lasagna' He says and closes the door behind me.

I search my blazer pocket for my embroidered handkerchief which I always carry with me for good luck but I can't find it. I must have left it at work. I'll go to the lost and found department and check tomorrow.