A nice change

48 and I hate myself

Warning: suicidal thoughts and language

Alva was angry. Angry at their friends for make them feel like shit. Angry at themself for not being good enough for their friends. They were such a fuck up, their Mom killed herself so she didn't have to deal with them. Maybe they should just fucking run away, and actually succeed this time, unlike Shadow. Maybe they should bag a back and leave the fucking desert in the dust it's made of. Get some air away from the pressure of the sun and elderly neighbors who never did anything worthwhile in their lives. Did they make others feel like that? Like the uncomfortable sweat and sand? Like screaming at the other's for their youth because you've lost your's: Jealousy of those who have what you used to. Like a bathroom covered in images of a different land: because this world is so horrible, you seek escapism in the mundane. Is that why their mom shot herself? Alva didn't know. And Alva didn't want to find out. They just wanted to get the fuck away from this shit. This wasn't about rebelling against expectations anymore, because what a meaningless cause to dedicate yourself to, when people will hate you regardless? People will hate Alva regardless how they act. People will leave Alva regardless of how Alva feels. Maybe they just need to stop feeling. Stop breathing. Stop being Alva. Maybe there wasn't meant to be an Alva. They hated expectations because no one know knew what to do with them, because maybe they weren't meant to exist.

Maybe, maybe, Like, maybe, like, stop, maybe, like, stop, stop, maybe, like, stop, stop, STOP!

These were all the thoughts that poured out of them in the form of tears. They streamed down their thin, pale, face and fell onto their pillow like their mom's blood had fallen onto the tiles in a bathroom with no writing on the walls, just red. Red like their hair. Everyday they walked around wearing the colors their mother and everyone before her spilled. In the end we all just die, right? Like the great profit in that one vine once's said "We all die, you either kill yourself, or get killed (do do do do, what'chu goin' do? Do do do do, what'chu goin' do?)".

Alva couldn't help but laugh a little at how a vine could potentially cause an existential crisis, and that's exactly how Emerson found them: Curled up in fetal position on their bed, contemplating their life and death as they cried at the same time they laughed while hysterically quoting vine. A mental breakdown at it's finest.

Emerson immediately wrapped his arms around Alva and held them close, their face buried into his chest and his chin placed on the top of their head. They hadn't noticed it before, but in the corner of their eye they could vaguely see the outline of the Obsidian skyline. It went away if you focused too hard on it, but Alva's tears and thoughts didn't. Emerson held them while they sobbed and mumbled things that only made sense to them.

"It's okay, love, it's okay," Emerson hushed.

"N-no it's not," Alva choked out "Everybody hates me."

"Oh, love! Nobody hates you! We love you. I love you." Emerson tried to assure them, heart breaking at Alva's next words: "But Mom killed herself. And my friends forgot about me. You're just gonna leave me behind too. You say you care about me, but everyone I care about just leaves. I don't want to be left behind. I want to be the one to leave someone behind for once."

"But that would hurt me!" Emerson exclaimed before mentally slapping himself for making this about him. He moved the two of them so he was looking in Alva's eyes and said "I know you're mad at them, but do you really want Shadow, Autumn, and Viola to feel how you do? You leaving isn't gonna fix anything. But if you stay, we can talk and make things better. I don't want you to hurt, and I'm never gonna leave you Alva. I promise. I'm gonna be here for you forever. But I need you to stay here with me too. Please."

Alva watched as Emerson begged, almost on the verge of tears himself. He looked so broken and the thought of Alva leaving, it reminded Alva of themself when their mom died. They couldn't put someone else though that, not someone who seemed to actually care. So Alva nodded and promised their broken up voice that they'd stay, and they'd tell Emerson if they ever felt like leaving again and Emerson kept reassuring them he'd stay as they hugged and held each other and cried.

For just a second, things weren't okay, but that wasn't a bad thing for once. Then Shadow bursted into the room "I- Alva! Are you okay? That's a stupid question, don't answer, but I'm sorry I just-"

"Shadow!" Alva interrupted, really not wanting to deal with Shadow's excuses that would probably make them feel even worse "I accept your apology,"

"Thank you!" Shadow said, sounding relived but not looking it.

"What's wrong?" Emerson asked.

"Um, I was talking to Autumn and I panicked and told Autumn that Remington died and that I'm at your house and she told Sebastian and now they're coming over!"