#22 - Huang Renjun

28

Today was Christmas Eve and I was upset about not being able to see my family, but i'll be with my other family so it'll be alright. I just got off a call with my parents and brother and it's pretty late. I already wrapped everything that I got the boys so I didn't have anything to do.

I put my headphones on, listening to Adam's song by blink-182. I laid back on my bed with my legs on the ground. I listened to all the words and before I knew it my eyes were soaked and dripping down onto my pillow. I was thinking about all of the stress I have, now not being able to see my family, and all the hate i've been noticing lately.

Just yesterday I was on instagram and there was an entire post that was talking about how I'm ugly, my body was ugly, that i'm untalented, stupid, and all kinds of other things. I try so hard not to take things to heart but how am I supposed to do that when I can't even love myself?

Luckily, I didn't wake Haechan up or else he would've worried. I walked out of the room and sat at the dining room table, for an easier place to cry.

I sat there crying for about 20 minutes before I laid down on the couch and curled up. I didn't close my eyes, I just listened to the sad music playing as I stared down at the floor.

"Jinji?" Someone spoke. I didn't look up. I knew if I did they'd see that I was crying and I didn't want that. Instead, they sat down at the end of the couch. I took out my headphones and placed my phone on the coffee table.

"What are you doing out here?" Chenle asked. I sat up and sat still.

"Hello?" He asked again, confused at my lack of response. I gave up as tears starting pouring from my eyes.

"Come here." He said while opening his arms. I hugged him, with my head on his shoulder as I started sobbing.

After I calmed down I broke the hug and sat normal.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked me in a soft tone. I shook my head while wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

"Okay. Do you need anything?" He asked.

"No. Thank you, Chennie." I replied with a faint smile.

"Of course. Get some sleep, Jinnie." He told me. I nodded and he went back to his room, and I went back to mine. I grabbed out some sweatpants and a white long sleeve, changing into them before leaving the dorm.

I walked to our practice room and sat down in front of the mirror. The lights were dim but I didn't mind. I pulled out my recording phone and turned on vlive. I made sure I didn't look like I had been crying before turning the video on.

"Hello everyone!" I said with a smile. I turned the live on my other phone so that I could read some comments.

I looked back up at the camera and fixed my hair a bit while humming a song. The song was Teenage Fever by drake and Ive had it stuck in my head for the last week.

I read some comments, most being people saying hello or that they love me in different languages. I titled the live as 🦑🤍 so that fans could tell it was me.

"Unnie why are you awake it's late?" I read outloud.

"It's because I was on a call with my family and because I'm not ready for sleep yet. I'm very much awake right now." I explained.

"Jinji can you dance for us?" A comment said in english.

"Yeah I actually will. I have a song repeating in my head over and over and I know a dance for it." I replied. I got up and turned the song on, making sure the phone was in position, before dancing to the song.

After I was done I sat back down in front of the camera. I smiled and made some funny faces at the camera for screenshots.

When I was done with the live I stood up and went to the phone to play a song.

I put on Adam's song since it was the one I wanted to sing. I waited for the lyrics to go, then I sang my heart out to the lyrics. I got to the part where it said "Please tell mom this is not her fault" and then I broke down. The song was about suicide, which was a sensitive topic for me.

When I was 11, my bestfriend of 4 years killed himself. His name was Ashton, and he was 2 years older than me. We were so close, and he was my sunshine. We were the best friends who planned to get married when we get older. We hung out everyday because we were neighbors and out parents were friends. When I was 11, he had a boyfriend. He came out as bisexual when he was 12 and then had his first boyfriend until he turned 13. His boyfriend and him got into a fight. I was mature enough to know things then, so I tried to calm him down. Instead, he left my house and didn't answer my texts and calls. His parents said he never came home, so we all went looking. It was night time when we were all in one car, his parents and mine. His parents got a call so they answered it. They explained that it was too late and that he jumped in front of a moving semi.

Every since then, suicide has been a hard topic for me. I even have a semi colon tattoo on my wrist, along with his birthdate on my rib cage.

When I finished crying and singing the song I laid down on the practice room floor. It wasn't until I heard my name get called out that I sat up.