call me back? •billie eilish book•

eighteen

~*~*~*~*~*
recap
I feel numb. So so numb. I'm not even sad anymore, not happy. I'm numb.

I was scared this feeling would come back. Even if it just comes back for a second it still haunts me.

I try to block this part of my mind off completely, forget about it, pretend it doesn't exist.

I cant do this. I cant do it.

I have to leave I have to go somewhere anywhere but here.
~*~*~*~*~*

•• Billie's pov ••

Laila has been missing for 2 weeks now.

She's not answering her phone. She's not answering anyone.

No one has any clue of where she is.

I haven't been to school for 2 weeks, there's no point she's the only reason I would go.

I only leave the house to go and look for her.

~*~*~*~*~*
flashback

I'm getting burritos today fuck this I'm so hungry and the only thing to resolve that is burritos.

I'll pick Laila up, we can go get the good shit then go to school. Fuck ya look at me with good ideas.

Normally I'd walk to school because I don't want no bitches to be fucking up my sexy dragon but it's hot as fuckkkkk out so.

I open the door only to see an envelope with my name on it. The fuck stalker typa shit is this.

I open the envelope to reveal a letter.

Bitch I swear,,the fuck is this. Childish shit.

billie,
i'm a fucking bitch for doing this and i'm sorry. i can't physically be in my house anymore. the whole situation just pushed me over the edge. i'm not gonna lie to you my mental health is fucked. i'm gonna miss you.

thank you for making me feel something. thank you for making me feel loved

I'll miss you O'connell
Oh and you still owe me for my first kiss you ruined
Kidding..unless.
~Laila <3

Immediately I drop everything and run to her house banging on the door.

Her mom answered and I didn't bother to say anything. Instead I ran through her arms and up to Laila's room.

She wasn't there.
~*~*~*~*~*

12:46 3G 67%

Laila

baby. tell me where you are i'm coming to pick you up right now
laila please
you can live with me, we can move somewhere else
please
Delivered 8:10am

laila? tell me your okay at least
baby please talk to me
Delivered 3:54pm

laila
Delivered 7:48pm

fuck laila answer me
i won't tell anyone if you do
Delivered 5:30am

just let me come pick you up
Delivered 4:42pm

laila
Delivered 6:28pm

Reid answer me
Delivered 5:10am

I've been texting her everyday. Every hour of the day since she left.

I blame myself for it.

I shouldn't have left her, I should have known she wasn't okay.

This is all my fault.

People told me she's probably dead. I fucked those people up real bad. But I can't help but think..what if their right. I try not to let that thought ever cross my mind but fuck.

All over town is missing posters but no one actually seems to give a fuck. Like they don't care or some shit.

It's all over social media too. I only now go on my phone to text her because I couldn't stand to see everyone post fake ass shit, none of them really cared.

I'm glad people are spreading shit around but no one is actually doing anything.

Even her parents stopped looking after a week.

I've been out everyday looking for her with Caleb, Rachel and Vanessa.

I hate this fucking town and every single piece of shit living in it.

Thoughts start to fill my head, and tears start to fill my eyes.

It's been too much.

Why do I care so much.

!!tw self harm!!

Sitting on my bed I open my bedside table drawer. Pulling out the thing that haunts me the most.

My old blades.

They are tucked away inside a book. A book I'll never read. A book that has old droplets of blood stained on the pages. I run my finger over them, memory's coming back. I've been clean for almost a year now.

I repeat to myself, this is all my fault. It's my fault she's gone. It's all my fucking fault.

I pick up the blade I used to use the most.

The cold metal touches my scarred wrist. Scars from when I thought life didn't matter anymore. Scars from when I felt so numb.

It's my fault.

I press into my skin. Flinching at the feeling that was so familiar. Old thoughts and feelings that I pushed so far away all start coming back.

It's my fault.

Blood starts slowly dripping from my arm. A feeling I missed but hated so much.

It's my fault.

I keep going. Making more cuts along my forearm

She's dead. It's my fault.

It's my fault. It's my fault.

I drop everything out of my hands once I was satisfied and plopped back onto my bed shakily.

I wish she was in my arms with me. I wish I was twirling her soft hair around my fingers. I wish I was looking into her fucking beautiful eyes.

I wish she was here.

*ping*
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word count: 893

i'm sorry this turned a different direction. i didn't update for so long because i hated how it was like an everyday type thing and nothing ever really happened.