call me back? •billie eilish book•

twenty five

~*~*~*~*~*
recap
The only part I kept from him was the fact I fell in love with Laila. The fact I'd do anything for Laila. The fact I want her in my arms 24/7. The fact all I want to do is keep her safe. The fact I want to call her mine. Because once you say something out loud it becomes true, and I don't want any of that to be true.
~*~*~*~*~*

Finneas and Billies conversation

•omniscient•

"Billie-"

"I know I know, I'm stupid. I shouldn't have done what I did, believe me I regret it. Just don't tell mom"

"I wasn't planning on it Bil. But why?"

"Long story"

"I have time"

"You're annoying you know that, get out of my shit and don't worry about it"

Finneas glares at her "I'll take that I'm annoying but I'm not stupid, I know somethings up and I also know your going to destroy yourself over it" She rolls her eyes "I know you Billie,,I'm pretty sure I know you better than you know yourself"

"Sit" Is all she says knowing he won't give this up "Promise that you won't say shit to anyone"

"I promise"

"Pinkie promise"

"I pinkie promise Billie" He says as they interlock pinkies

"So you know the neighbours?"

"The Reid family, right?"

"Ya them, I'm in class with their daughter Laila. We became friends I guess"

"Dude I know that, you're literally with her everyday, what does that have to do with you going to a party and getting absolutely fucked"

"I'm getting there jesus calm down" She continues "I was actually happy around her, I didn't feel like I was being forced to hangout with her"

"I see where this is going" He smirks

"Shut up, shut the fuckkkkk up don't continue your sentence"

"Did you guys fuck?"

"No dumbass we didn't fuck, we actually didn't really do anything like that. She's just a friend"

"Okay so-"

"calm the fuck down finneas if you ask me how this all leads to me getting fucked up one more time i'll tie your legs and arms together and throw you out the window"

Finneas nods silently

"I guess you could say I caught minor feelings"

"Look who's the dumbass now"

"It's not my fault that I did, trust me if it was a choice I wouldn't hav-"

"No stop talking for a second, you really think I didn't know you liked the girl. Your face lights up as soon as her name is mentioned, you were a whole ass mess when she was missing. It's pretty obvious I'm not going to lie"

Billie just sits there

"Continue on with your story"

"Well uh- to..to sum everything up she uh she kinda has a boyfriend and I got mad that she was leading me on and shit"

"Oh I'm sorry Billie"

"Nah it's chill I'm over it now, just a stupid little thing"

"Are you sure it was just a stupid little thing"

"Yes" She says firmly

"I don't know if I believe that, why would you let a stupid little thing hurt you this much"

"I'm not hur-"

"Billie you can talk to me"

"Leave"

"Billie please" He pleads

"Finneas I said leave"

Finneas gets up and leaves like he was asked before it escalates into something it doesn't have to be, leaving Billie alone in her room with her thoughts. The most dangerous way to leave her. Finneas knows Billies mind will eat her alive, that's why he insisted on staying.

Billies mind is very complicated, Billie in general is very complicated. No one ever truly knows if she's okay or if she's not okay, she keeps to herself. She always has. Her saying is "once you say something out loud it becomes true" and she didn't want any of her feelings and thoughts to be true. It's always been that way.

Billie has dealt with this her whole life. She's been to many specialists to try and help her, but being the stubborn person she is she won't open up to any of them. Although that is the case Billie has been diagnosed with many mental health problems which she hated and always tried to forget about, they made her feel weak. She didn't want people to act differently around her or be nicer to her just because of her mental health. Anger issues, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and depression, that's what the specialist were able to decipher. She didn't cater to her mental health which made everything worse. She likes to say "if you forget about it for long enough it will go away" but that's not the case. They've gotten worse over the years, because Billie refuses to take any medication for them. Her parents being the smart people they are always try and incorporate her meds in meals.

That's actually why Billie started drinking and smoking weed, she called it "her form of medication" because "it made everything go away and feel better" in reality her family saw that it was actually making everything worse. She did it so frequently she couldn't live without it. If she wasn't drunk or high she would be at her lowest of lows. She wouldn't eat, drink, sleep or talk to anyone. That's when Maggie made Billie promise her she would stop. She couldn't handle seeing her daughter like that, none of them could.

That's also why they moved, Maggie wanted to get Billie away from her old friends and the LA party scene. Her parents told Billie they moved for "new job opportunities" but in reality it was for her. They wouldn't dare tell her that though. She was already mad enough that she had to leave her friends, if she found out they moved so she wasn't able to see them anymore she'd end up doing some scary shit.

As much as the family didn't want to admit it, they were scared for Billie. Scared of what goes on in her mind, scared for her future. They wanted nothing but the best for her but it was very clear she didn't want that for herself.

She doesn't think she deserves happiness, or really anything for that matter.

She was her own worst enemy.
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word count: 1094

i really like this part

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