Don't go! (XXXTENTACION)

17 - "I ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴍʏ ʙᴇsᴛ ғʀɪᴇɴᴅ ʙᴀᴄᴋ"

January 7, 2021 (month after trial)

I thought I'd be happy to be out, and I was, until I found out that part of Geneva's story was true. She WAS out with a male friend. Her ex. And what were they doing? Fucking. And how do I know? I got a video of it.

She put me in jail, I know, but I still had hope.. I thought maybe we could still be together. I thought it was an accident, she was scared. Stupid? Sure, but logistics were far out of my mind. I was/am just deeply in love. Love makes you think of crazy things. I just.. I want her back. But like I want the relationship we had before the whole court thing, before the false allegations.

Geneva and I haven't spoken to each other since the court hearing. I haven't reached out to her. I don't want to seem pathetic or anything. She also hasn't reached out to me which I guess is a good thing, but everyone knows that if she does, I'll respond in a heartbeat. She was my first love, we were together for 3 years. I can't just let that go easily.

I pick up my pen and notebook and start writing this song that I've been working on for the past like two weeks. It's called "Ayala." Named after Geneva? Yes. Do I care? No. (song in mm)

She showed me fake love, can't forget
How it hurt, no, oh oh
Made a list of my regrets
And you were the first love, oh oh
Oh it hurts, I can't forget
How it hurt, no oh oh
Made a list of my regrets

Tears slipped through my eyes as I wrote this. It brings me back to memories of the video playing in my head.. him feeling on her, kissing her. Where was I?

I hate it here. I fucking hate Geneva, I want everything to be like how it was before. Jahseh shut everybody out including Stokeley, he had barely said any words to us since court. Christmas was boring as fuck. We each got each other some things, but everything was off. It was Jahseh's first Christmas without Geneva, it was my first Christmas without Kehlani and my mom, and Stokeley was just watching his two best friends mope around. Though my mom did some fucked up shit, I still love her, so Christmas and New Years weren't the same.

I... Right before court I was starting to catch minuscule feelings for Jahseh, and all of a sudden he just stops talking. Completely. I just- I hate it because I didn't ask to catch feelings for a broken boy that's still in love with a toxic, manipulative ex. "Are you okay?" Stokeley snaps me out of my thoughts by standing by my door looking at me with worrisome eyes. I know this has also taken a toll on Stokeley, he didn't lose his best friend literally but he has psychologically. I nod then pat the spot next to my bed for him to lay next to me, which he does. Amina has been over a lot trying to cheer everybody up but it just hasn't been working. The only person who can get us all out of this depressive episode is Jahseh, but he's too focused on Geneva.

"I-It'll be okay Stokey. Jah is just, he's just going through stuff right now. He needs time to process what's going on, he was really in love with the girl. As much as we hate her, he'll always have love for her, it's just in his character. We just have to wait for him to be out of love with her because then that should be when he starts to feel better. I know it's hard for you, but just remember that even though he isn't speaking, he needs you just as much as you need him. He loves you Stokes." I hug him tightly as he cries in my arms. Heartbreaking. I hate seeing my friends cry, it makes me cry.

I watch my two best friends cry in each other's arms, and I can't help but to think that this is all my fault. Well I know it is... I'm just not ready to talk to everyone, I need time. To be completely honest, I didn't think this would actually affect them... I just thought they'd be there and having fun with each other without worrying about me. I just... I cant.

I fucking hate it here, I fucking hate Geneva, I fucking hate everything. I just... I just want my best friend back vro.