Reflect // Van McCann

12. Can I Ask You Something?

*Ryan's POV*

The next morning, I called Jess to tell her about the mirror.

"What do you mean the mirror's working again?" she asked in disbelief.

"Um...I put my hand on the mirror and it went through," I answered simply, shrugging my shoulders.

There was a brief silence on her end and then she chuckled. "I should've worded that differently. Why is it working now though?"

"Amy and I came to the conclusion it was the earthquake last month."

"That...actually makes sense. So how are they doing? I miss them so much." You could hear the excitement in her voice and I was nervous about breaking the bad news to her. She's still under the impression they're both there.

"Amy's good. She misses us loads and can't wait to see you. Van on the other hand, I can't say the same thing." I could hear her take a sharp breath.

"What happened to him? Is he alright?"

"Yeah, yeah! He's fine! It's just—they only told us half the story." She was silent, waiting for me to continue. "The world on the other side of the mirror isn't the end, Jess. It's called limbo and it's somewhere in between. The end is paradise and that's where Van went." And so I went on, explaining to her what Amy told me. How they were in limbo because someone they loved was holding onto them and how giving Van's song to his parents and his parents coming back to bring him home sent him to paradise.

"So Van's not there anymore."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "But Amy's been having dreams about him. At first, he was having a hard time getting on his feet but things got better. He's doing great now, Jess." I purposely left him finding someone else out. Jess is already devastated as it is.

"What are these dreams you speak of?"

I filled her in on the dreams and how they weren't really dreams but insights into how the other person was doing so they can find each other when it's time for Amy to go to paradise.

"If he's doing well, I'm happy for him," Jess replied.

"So when are you coming home?" I asked, changing the subject.

I could hear her laughing. "Thanksgiving!"

I frowned. "But that's a month away!"

"I know but medical school is so busy. I barely have time to take care of myself, remember?"

"Right."

"Tell Amy I said hi though and that I miss her. I'll see her next month." I opened my mouth to speak but she spoke again. "How often are you going to see her? I'm closer to home than you are."

"I'm going to try to go back home every weekend. It's going to drive my mom nuts but she misses me so maybe she won't mind. I can always catch a ride with my friends too," I told her.

Jess and I spent the next half hour talking and then she told me she had to go, so I let her go. I wondered what was going through her mind. There's no doubt she's happy the mirror is working again but Van isn't there anymore. I wish things were different for us. I'm lucky to still see Amy but what she told me still bothers me.

After our conversation, I thought long and hard about whether or not I was the one holding onto her. I asked myself several times if I thought it was my fault she was dead and I got the same answer every time. No. It's not me holding her back. And I can bet you my dad isn't thinking about her either. He's too busy with his new family to give a shit about us. So that leaves me with one person—mom. And it makes total sense. She's always saying "if I was there earlier" or "if I said no to letting her go," things would've turned out differently and she'd still be alive.