Reflect // Van McCann

29. Grieving

*Ryan's POV*

It's been a week since Amy went to paradise and it's been one of the longest weeks of my life. I was physically at school but not there mentally. I couldn't focus and my mind would always wander.

I knew I should've taken a few days off but school won't pause for you just because you've lost someone. They'll carry on and it's your responsibility to catch up in the end. I half-assed my homework and didn't bother studying for the math quiz I had but I couldn't find it in me to give a shit. I'm sure my grades are taking a hit but I honestly don't care.

I was angry at the world. How can everyone go on like nothing's happened? It frustrated me to no end that the only people I could talk to was my mom and Jess so I had to bottle it in. I couldn't tell anyone about the problems I was going through—not even my girlfriend.

Every day, my alarm would go off and I'd get up and get ready. Life went on as normal, the people talking about their grades and what they had planned for the weekend. But I was stuck. Stuck in this moment in time and not wanting to move on.

I'm home for the weekend and I've been spending a lot of time upstairs, expecting her to pop out and scare me but she never did and she never will. Those days are long over and I can feel the emptiness settling in.

After my mom dropped me off at university last week, I called Jess to tell her the news. We stayed up all night talking about the memories we had of her. Talking about Amy helped me heal but it made me cry at the same time. I knew I screwed up Jess's sleep schedule for the next day but she stayed on the line with me, listening to me go on about Amy and soothing me when I broke down and cried. I admit our relationship hasn't been the best but I now realize how important she is to me. She's the only one that understands everything I'm going through.

I closed my book in frustration. I couldn't focus at all so I decided to take a break, getting up to stretch my arms over my head. I walked past the mirror and paused. The mirror seemed to be calling me. I stepped towards the mirror and pulled the bedsheet off, my fingers tracing the gold design. Before I could change my mind, I stepped through the mirror.

The room was dark as all the curtains were closed. I opened the door to the hallway and was surprised to see a light coming from Van's room. I froze in fear wondering who'd be in the house. Did Amy forget to turn off the light? As if to answer my question, I saw a shadow approaching the door and then Bondy stuck his head out tentatively to look at me.

"Bloody hell, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" Bondy shouted. "I was wondering who else was in the house."

"W-What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Just checking on the house like I promised. And then I walked past Van's room and couldn't help myself."

I stepped closer to Bondy and realized he was crying. He knew I noticed and immediately wiped his tears away.

"Fuck, I'm crying for the both of them. By the way, don't tell Van or else I'll never hear the end of it," Bondy said quickly.

I found myself grinning. "Your secret's safe with me. But if Van's dreaming about you and sees you crying, I can't save you—sorry."

"I don't think he's dreaming about me because I'm not dreaming about him." He realized what he said was somber so he quickly began speaking again. "But fuck, if he's dreaming about me, he better not complain! He should be honored to dream about me."

I laughed at his sense of humor. "I can hear Van telling you to fuck off." Bondy burst out laughing.

"Fair enough. Dreaming about me would be a nightmare for him. I don't want him to know what I've been up to."