Reflect // Van McCann

14. I Know What to Do Now

*Amy's POV*

After Ryan left, I had time to myself to think about the conversation we just had. I wish the answer was that easy but it isn't. In my mind, I was set on not doing anything to make me go to paradise faster. If it happens, it happens, I told myself. But now that Ryan wants to help me get there, I'm not sure what to think anymore.

"How do you feel about me helping you go to paradise?"

In the end, we'll all end up in paradise. That's the end goal. How fast you want to get there depends on you and I wasn't in any rush. I want to maximize the amount of time I have with Ryan and I want to see mom. If I didn't know the mirror was going to work again, maybe I wouldn't mind. But now that it works again, I'm not ready. I'm just starting to see him again after two long years.

But I know this back and forth that Ryan and I have isn't healthy. Like he said, a mirror like this isn't supposed to exist. We need to learn to accept life as it is and move on. I'm dead and he's not supposed to still see me.

There was so much on my mind, I felt like my head was going to explode. So I stopped thinking and instead, made something to eat for an early dinner. Once my tummy was full, I could properly think again. I wanted to talk to someone about this and I knew just the right person. Bondy.

As I walked past the furniture room, I glanced at the mirror and I felt a longing to go through it. They're probably eating dinner now, aren't they? Five days was a long time to wait to see him again so even though I couldn't do anything, I just wanted to listen in on the conversation they were having. I moved the bedsheet aside and stepped through. The hallway was dark as no one was upstairs and I crept my way to the staircase, crouching down to listen for talking. And that's when I heard it.

"Mom...do you still think about the day she died?"

I could hear mom sighing. "Of course. All the time."

"What do you think about?" Ryan continued.

"I just think about all the things I could've done to stop her from dying that day. Like if I said no to her going over to her friend's house, if we had found her earlier, and so on."

My heart stopped. Is that what she really thinks?

"Mom, you do know that all of that is out of your control, don't you? There's no way you could've known that was going to happen."

"I know but I can't stop the thoughts."

"You did your best. You're only looking out for her, wanting what's best for her. You want her to have fun with friends and you found her at the right time. There's no way you could've known she was going to be hit by a car that night and that the driver was drunk. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," mom replied.

"Do you blame yourself for her death?" Ryan dared to ask.

"I...I do."

I couldn't listen anymore so I went back to cross the mirror. I already knew she blamed herself for my death but hearing her say it made it real. I walked over to sit on my bed and let out a sigh.

I was at a crossroads. I'm not in a rush to go to paradise but I want my mom to forgive herself. Six years is a long time to hold onto this guilt. I'm sure the weight she's carrying on her shoulders isn't easy. I laid down on my bed and pulled the covers over me.

.

.

The next day.

I was spending time with the band which never fully recovered from Van being gone. For one year, they didn't do anything but now they realized they didn't want all their hard work to go to waste so they held auditions to try to find a new singer. They set up something to record their singing so that when they came across their audition, they could put a voice to a face.