Reflect // Van McCann

13. It's Not Your Fault

*Ryan's POV*

I could see Amy's eyes widen in shock and her mouth dropped open. She stared at me as if I had three eyes and I was suddenly nervous. I was nervous about how she'd react.

"May I ask where that came from?" she asked. You could hear the shock in her voice as her mind scrambled to find an answer.

"I thought long and hard about what you told me yesterday and I realized I'm not the one holding you back. It's mom. I don't know how I'll get her to forgive herself but I'll figure it out eventually. So my question is: how do you feel about it?"

"Why do you want me to go to paradise?" she asked quietly.

"Why don't you want to go to paradise?" I asked back.

"I think you know why."

"Is it because you'll never see us again?" I hazarded and Amy nodded her head. "Amy, I love you. I only want what's best for you. If the end goal is paradise, I want to help you get there. This mirror is supposed to help those who are stuck in limbo go to paradise. We're not supposed to use it to see each other all the time." I paused to take a deep breath. "We both know this mirror isn't supposed to exist. You passed away on 1 November 2014 and that was supposed to be the last time I saw you. But we've managed to cheat the system and I've seen you many times after. I know goodbyes are tough, but I think it's best for us to move on and go our separate ways. And besides...it's not like we'll never see each other again. When my time comes, we'll be reunited." I gave her a small smile.

"But you're going to be old!" Amy complained. "I'll be ten and you'll be in your 80s or somethin'."

I began cracking up. "Hey now! There's nothing wrong with being old! I hope to live until my 80s."

"You'll be a grumpy old man complaining about punks."

The both of us burst out laughing. "And you'll have to help me find my teeth," I joked.

"Oh God!" Amy replied, covering her eyes.

I leaned against the counter imagining Amy, Van, and I (in my 80s of course), being reunited in paradise. That'd be a strange sight. I can't imagine how hilarious our interactions would be. Would they even want to be seen around me if I was that old?

"How are we going to make mom forgive herself?" Amy asked, snapping me back to reality.

"She just needs to know that you're okay and that she shouldn't blame herself for your death. No one could've seen that coming," I answered and then I sighed. "I wish it was easy like Van's case. Ours is a little more complicated, isn't it?"

Amy nodded her head and then her eyes suddenly brightened. "You know what? I think I have an idea."

I turned to her, curious. "What is it?"

"You're not going to like this one bit. I want mom to see me."

I paused, my eyes wide, not sure I was hearing her correctly. "You want mom to what?!"

"Before you say no—"

"No Amy, that's a bad idea."

"Hear me out, okay? If she sees me, she'll see that I'm okay. And it will get her thinking because she'll be thinking the whole time she's seeing things and she won't know what to make of it. And then she'll tell Sarah. And Sarah will tell her that it means I'm trying to tell her something. That I'm okay, blah blah blah...you get the point now don't ya?"

"I see where you're going but what if it goes wrong? What if she follows you back through the mirror?"

"Oh. Well I didn't think of that," she said, scratching her head.