Hopelessly Devoted To You (Chua Boys Series #2)

Chapter 37

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE SONG THAT WAS USED IN THIS CHAPTER. CREDITS RIGHTFULLY TO THE OWNER. NO INTENDED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT.

Song: Fix You by Coldplay

Chapter 37

Impossible

"Damon," I called his name.

"Don't cry, you're making me... weak. Don't mind me, I know it's my fault, blame it all on me."

"Stop blaming yourself, Damon. I forgive you. You were just pushed to your limits, and I admit that I was hard on you after what happened. I've watched it. I know now," I said.

"Do not forgive me if you just feel pity for me. I cannot hold to the idea that you forced yourself to forgive me because you felt pity for me. It's not forgiveness, Cayene. It is just you... being sympathetic."

"Hindi kita pinapatawad dahil naawa ako sa iyo. Hindi na ba pwedeng magpatawad ang isang tao ngayong alam na niyang pinagsisihan mo na at ginawa mo naman ang lahat para bumawi noon? Regarding sa... condition mo. I am sorry. I never wished it to happen. It's just I was blinded by pain, anger, and guilt," napayuko ako habang umiiyak.

"Stop acting like you care  Cayene. You're just giving me false hopes. You're making me feel so low. Pakiramdam ko kinaaawaan mo lang talaga ako. I can get through this," he seriously said then smiled bitterly.

"I care about you, dumbass. Can't you see it? I care for you. May pinagsamahan din naman tayo kahit papaano kaya normal lang na magbigay ako ng pakialam sa 'yo. You don't have to do this alone. You still... have me," I looked away from him when I sensed him looking at me.

"There are times that I can't sleep because the guilt is haunting me. It makes me cry. That feeling starved me and made me feel different kinds of pain. It plays back in my head every single time. Hindi ko magawang makapagpokus sa trabaho. When I told that it melted me, I wasn't lying. My business almost reached the edge of the cliff," pagkukwento niya.

It messed up my mental stability that I had to go through sessions— even now, I still do. When we're at the golf court, my doctor calls me for another session, if you're wondering regarding that. Sobrang hirap, Cayene. Nakakahiyang aminin pero walang araw na hindi ako umiyak."

That's it. That's why I saw his hands shaking when we were at the golf course. Not to mention that I also saw him playing with an object while his knees were shaking. He looked so shaken up, and now I know why.

"Bakit ganoon? Ganoon ba ako kasamang tao? Gusto ko lang naman ng hustisya para sa ama ko, pero bakit ako pa ang nawalan? Bakit ako pa ang nahihirapan? Ganoon ba ako kasamang tao? Sinubukan ko namang itama 'yong mga pagkakamali ko. Ginawa ko naman lahat ng makakaya ko para iligtas sila, pero hindi ko pa rin nagawa. Kinulang pa rin. Hindi na kailanman naging sapat lahat ng ginagawa ko," may panginginig pa sa kaniyang tinig habang sinasabi ang mga 'yon.

Nahirapan ako, nasaktan din, pero alam kong hanggang ngayon, nahihirapan pa rin siya at wala ako nang mga oras na iyon. Naiinis din ako sa sarili ko, masiyado siguro akong naging makasarili, na sarili ko lang ang inisip kong nasasaktan noon.

He did everything he could to right his wrong. Yet I didn't listen to his explanation. I wasn't there when he needed me, but he was always there when I needed him. I hate that I realized things now. I only remembered his mistakes, not the right things he did for me.

"I'm so sorry, Damon. I wasn't there. I'm sorry," I uttered as I tried to stop him from crying.

"I'm so tired, Cayene. Pagod na akong magpanggap na maayos na ako. I'm tired— so damn tired in different aspects. I just want to get through these. I want to live," pabulong niyang sinabi.