Sinner II Vmin

Truth

1 John 3:18, "Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."

    A fire pit of anxiety is ignited when Taehyung takes a seat in front of me. Flames of negative emotions rise into my chest, the smoke invading my lungs. He brought two stools setting them next to the bed. The purpose being a place to put our cups down when we're not drinking anything. We sat face to face, legs criss- crossed on the comfortable mattress.  "I-J don't know where to start." I mumble, playing with my fingers. The air felt so thick, dense with dread and fear. Truly I was frightened. Misery gnawed at my psyche, corrupting my mental space. "How about we talk about what or who triggers these hateful thoughts in you." Like magic, the faces of Yoongi and my father flash in front of my eyes. Horrid memories that I wish I could erase play in my head like a film strip.  "My father and Yoongi. I hate them the most, they can never be forgiven for what they did to me and what they continue to do." Watching the boy, I can see the gears in his mind turning through the thoughtful expression clouding his eyes.  "We can talk about your father first, since I already kind of know a little about his true colors." Taehyung finally lets out, exuding a calm demeanor.  "My father is not a good person. He has a front of being a generous, loving, Christian family man. The man only cares about his family image, loving is the absolute worst way to describe him. I've never felt loved by my father. He's always been so cold and apathetic. As a child I was such a crybaby, well nothing has changed, but when I needed love and affection the most I was always met with a stone wall. Any wrong thing I did he would... he would b-beat me for it." Taking a deep breath I continue. "Everything intensified when I would do things I guess normal little boys shouldn't be doing. For example when playing house with my childhood best friend I would want to be the mommy. Or when playing with my action figures, I would make two males kiss. Even now I'm chastised and beaten for being too close to another boy. Every time Jungkook would walk home with me, my dad would be livid. On multiple occasions I've explained that Jungkook is my best friend, but it goes through one ear and out the other. Both of my parents don't realize how uncomfortable I am when they talk about setting me up with girls that I could potentially marry, so they say. Many of my scars are products of his abuse. Whenever I see happy, loving families. I can't help the rush of envy that colors my aura a venomous green. We could've had that if my father wasn't such a cold- hearted bastard. All he's concerned about is not having a homo son-.",  "So you admit that you're gay?" Taehyung interrupts, catching me off guard. My mouth hangs open, I want to speak but nothing comes out. His warm hand envelopes my own, "There's nothing wrong with coming to terms and accepting your sexuality. I urge you to, no matter how difficult it is, ignore your father and whoever else is saying that being gay or anything other than hetero is wrong."  "I-It's hard though. Especially when people that are supposed to love and care for you unconditionally hate you over something small like who you choose to love."  "Trust me, I know. Do you want to know why I stay here all the time? Not too long ago, about a week or two, I asked my parents to have a talk. When I sat them down in the living room I revealed a secret that I've been holding in for years. I'm gay, is what I told them, very straight to the point. At first they both were completely silent, their eyes wide with shock. Then, I guess after they processed my words, their expressions molded into a mixture of shame, disappointment, rage, disgust. It was the most heart wrenching sight. I would never want to experience that again in my life. Neither of them spoke until my father shouted at me to get out, adding 'get your shit too'. The whole time I felt nothing, not one emotion. Until I came here was when the reality of my situation hit me. I've never cried so much Jimin. I still had to go to school, but right after I would come here immediately bawling my eyes out. Thankfully I'm fortunate enough to have had some cash that I've been saving for a few years now. It should be enough for some months, I'm gonna need to get a job soon when my stash runs out." Taehyung finishes his story, keeping his composure throughout it all. How is he not breaking down? Dang this entire time he has been harboring all of these difficulties, pushing them aside all for me. He's always catering to me, assisting me during my many meltdowns. Who would of known the seemingly always cheerful Taehyung was actually very depressed.  "I'm sorry. You've been dealing with that this whole time? You should've told me, I can't believe you've been hurting alone." I couldn't help but reflect on everything Taehyung did for me and with me. It still hasn't really occurred to me that through all of that he has been putting on a front. "Same with you. So much has happened to you that you had to go through alone. That's why I'm with you now. I know it's too late because I can't erase the past, but I want to be there now. Don't feel bad about not being able to help  me, you wouldn't know I am feeling depressed because I'm good at hiding it. Plus, taking care of you is a good distraction for me, I like taking care of you." Taehyung says smiling after saying his last sentence. Something about knowing that he enjoys caring for me makes my heart swell. "Taehyung we have to take care of each other. Now it's only us two so we're in this together. That means we both have to share our feelings and talk about our boundaries and triggers." I tell the boy with a small smile.  "Yeah, that's true." He mumbles, nodding his head.