All I Wanted

chapter 1

Backstory
Shouyou Hinata was known as the most outgoing and happy person in Karasuno. He was easy to get along with, had many friends, and practically always had a grin on his face that stretched from ear to ear. However, the enthusiastic Hinata that everyone knew was a fraud, because on the inside, Shouyou Hinata was probably one of the most empty people.

When Shouyou Hinata was only in his first year of Junior High, his parents had gotten divorced since his father was an alcoholic. Once the news had gotten to him that his parents were separating, that was when his depression had started. Although he wasn't fond of his father, Shouyou didn't like the idea of only having one parent to go to, or the fact that the rest of his schoolmates had two parents in a healthy relationship. To top off his depression, Miss Hinata was practically working 24/7, meaning that she didn't have time to pay close attention to her children- she just needed to make enough money to get them through the month. Shouyou knew that his mother's absence from his life wasn't her fault, and that she was trying her hardest, so for that he didn't blame her. Yet he still felt so alone.

A few months into the divorce, Miss Hinata had noticed that Shouyou seemed down all the time. He wouldn't eat, he would sleep all the time, and he never had the energy to do anything. So, she took her son to a doctor, where Shouyou was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder. He started taking medication a few days after his diagnosis. He felt more alive and energetic, but his constant sadness was still there, lingering inside of him.

Once Shouyou discovered volleyball, he became even more alive and enthusiastic about his life, because for once, he felt like he might have a chance at something he really liked.

Even though Shouyou was determined to play volleyball and was on medication, his depression was still there. So, at night, when his medication had mostly worn off, he was at his all time low. One night, he had a strange thought that he believed made sense. He told himself "if i can turn my emotional pain into physical pain, maybe it won't be as bad." So, he snuck into the shared bathroom of his mother, sister, and himself, tore apart a razor, and began cutting. He of course thought about his placement of his cuts before doing it though. "I can't do it anywhere someone can see... so no to arms and legs... but I always wear a shirt! Maybe if I do it on my stomach or ribcage or hip... or I could even do my shoulder..." His unhealthy thoughts of cutting himself wherever he could would rush through his mind, as well as the thoughts "I am not good enough"..."No one loves me or cares for me"..."No one would even care if I died"..."I am so stupid"..."I hate myslef"... Shouyou's thoughts were all negative at night. But he figured that it was his time to escape. So it eventually became routine. Every few nights, he would go to the bathroom, do one or two cuts on wherever he could find space that he hadn't already cut, bandage himself quickly as he cried and told himself he was worthless, and then went to bed. Eventually after a few months, he broke his rountine and started doing it once or twice a week.

Time skip to when Hinata started volleyball at Karasuno
Once Shouyou became close friends with everyone on his team, including Kageyama (which was originally his enemy), he felt alive again and his cutting habit was soon replaced by the urges to play volleyball with his team and to keep practicing. Because Hinata was suddenly happy with his life, he didn't feel the need to tell his close volleyball friends about his illness. However, it was very hard for Shouyou to try and hide his depression. Not only did he have scars all over his torso that he needed to cover up, he also had to fake smiles and tell his team that he was fine.

First of all, Hinata always changed before arriving to practice. His scars were too obvious and he was too embarrassed to show or tell anyone about them. So, instead of changing with the team, he would go into the boys restroom, change there, and then run to the gym. And then all his teammates would ask "Why don't you just change in the locker room?" And he always has to come up with an excuse like "I wanted to be the first one ready!"

Second of all, he had to fake a good attitude.  Even though Shouyou was a lot happier doing volleyball, he still had depression. So, when he missed a spike or pass or whatever it was he was attempting, his thoughts of "I will never be good enough" and "I don't deserve to be on this team" would pop into his head, but all he could say to the other players was "Sorry! I will try again!". But since Hinata was so good at acting fine, his teammates would jokingly scold him- but for Shouyou, the names he was being called or things that were told to him, he did not take as a joke. He took them seriously and then couldn't help but agree. "HINATA! YOU DUMBASS!" Kageyama would sarcasticly yell at him... but then Hinata would tell himself in all seriousness "I am a dumbass." Even though Shouyou would internally beat himself up, on the outside he smiled and laughed.

And now, our story begins...