All I Wanted

chapter 4

Hinata's pov
I woke up on the ground, not having a clue of what just happened. I tried getting up but my body was too weak and tired so I just kept falling back down.

"Boke? Is that you?" I heard a voice call from a distance so I looked up to see Kageyama coming towards me. I had no idea what happened or why I was in this state. I could only hear a buzzing noise in my ear and everything in my vision would be in and out if focus. Kageyama took me to a nearby park where I sat down. I couldn't think properly and my head was spinning. I was thinking to myself a million questions as to what just happened until I heard Kageyama say something about calling someone. I tried regaining consciousness and flat out said "No." I continued to sit there for a while, knowing that Kageyama was next to me, just as confused as I was. We sat there for a few minutes until he said...

Kageyama's pov
"Hinata, your bleeding through your shirt... that probably means you injured yourself bad..."  I said to him, completely forgetting that he probably doesn't understand a word I am saying. He still sat there in silence, not paying attention to what I said. About a minute later, he looked down at his hip where he was bleeding and held it firmly. Hinata had such a late reaction that I was still considering calling someone, he was still very confused and he was hurt.

"Sorry." Hinata quietly muttered. He rubbed his eyes to help himself focus on his vision and then tried standing back up but he quickly fumbled back down. I didn't know why he was sorry, but his injury on his hip was still bleeding, so I told him,

"Let me look at your wound, I just want to check if it's serious or not..." As I reached over to see, all of a sudden he lashed out...

"NO! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN COME NEAR ME! I NEED TO GO HOME!"

I sat there, confused and irritated. Why would he yell at me like that? But before I could finish my thought, he stood up, tripped over himself a little and then started walking away, fumbling and trying to walk.

"Hey! What the hell? You need to calm down, you can barely even walk on your own!" I yelled at him as he walked off.

Did I just do something wrong? I thought I was helping him, but instead he started yelling at me like I had just committed a crime. What the hell. I was so confused as to what happened. I wanted to go chase him down and help him chill out but I just sat there on the park bench, astonished as to what just happened. All I could see was Hinata murmuring something to himself. I have never been yelled at by Hinata. Sure, we have gotten into arguments where we yell at each other, but it was never like that. When Hinata yelled at me, it wasn't even like him... he never gets that angry.

Hinata's pov
When Kageyama said something about an injury on my hip, I knew that it wasn't from falling, but it was from my cut that I gave myself yesterday. Shit. It must've opened up again and started bleeding.

I saw Kageyama reaching for my injury. The sudden fear of him finding out about what my body looked like underneath my shirt came over me. I frantically shouted at him "NO! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN COME NEAR ME! I NEED TO GO HOME!"

I yelled at him not because I was mad, but because I was so petrified of the thought that my secret would be revealed. I didn't want anyone to know I was mentally suffering, especially since everyone knew me as the energetic, happy friend. Telling someone that I had depression would make it seem like I needed attention all the time, and that they would need to feel bad for me. But that is the last thing I would want.

I struggled to get back up, but when I did, I took my bike and started walking home. Shit. Shit! SHIT! I ruin everything! God, why am I like this? Why can't I just be happy? Why do I even live on this Earth if all I do is cause trouble for others? UGH.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

As I walked home, all i repeated was "I hate myself." Because that was that. I really hate myself.