All I Wanted

chapter 18

Warning: The next few chapters will include tough topics for some readers. If you are not comfortable with subjects of detailed self harm or suicide, and decide to stop reading, I completely understand.... This is also a reminder to to be aware of mental illness. Depression, suicide, abuse, self harm, and many other things are not a joke, and should be taken seriously. If you or a loved one is going through anything, please know that you aren't alone in any situation. From someone who use to do self harm, I can say that things truly do get better. Thank you for reading and taking your time to acknowledge this caution.

Hinata's pov
Kageyama and I split ways, and I was on my way home. As soon as Kageyama was out of my sight, I let out everything. I stopped, put my hands on my knees and gasped for air. Tears rolled down my face. The pain that I was feeling was unbearable. I just couldn't take it anymore. I yelled out in agony.

"IT HURTS..." I screamed, "IT HURTS SO BAD!"

I didn't care if anyone heard me, I just released everything. I knew what I had to do.

I picked myself up, and began walking home, with water gushing out of my eyes. I got home, and thankfully, my mom was at work. She had a night shift. I put my bag down at the front door.

I walked directly into my room, and closed the door behind me. I sat at my desk chair, and threw my head on the table. I shouted out in pain, not from hitting my head but from internally. My internal torment was beyond explainable. No words could describe how I felt, but I had to try and write it down somehow.

I took out multiple pieces of paper, and began writing.

Kageyama's pov
When we split ways, I continued to walk to my house. It was already starting to get dark out, so I quickly rushed home. Before I opened the front door to my house, I heard a faint yelp. But I didn't think much of it.

I set my bag down in my room, and plopped on my bed. I began tossing a volleyball in the air.

My mind was spinning with questions, and I was in pain. I was in pain for seeing Hinata like that. I felt so much sorrow for him. I stopped tossing my volleyball, and set it down beside me.

I looked at my clock... 21:15. I shut my eyes for just a minute.

I soon opened my eyes, and looked at the time again. It read 21:45. Shit. I had fallen asleep by accident. As soon as I thought my mind was clear, I remembered everything that happened, and all my questions.

I don't want to assume the worst in any situation, but this situation was different. I had to assume the worst.

Why did he have all those scars on his torso? Did he give himself those scars?

He looked up at me like I was a demon, and then said "dad"... what did he mean by dad?

Where was his father?

Did his father do something to him? Something bad?

He quit the volleyball team... was it because he intended that he wasn't going to be able to play anymore?

Was it because he intended that he wasn't going to be able to live to play anymore?

Was he really giving up on life?

Was he... going to do something?

Was he going to do something to stop his life?

Was he doing something currently to stop him from living?

Crap. I needed to get out of here to think. I needed to go to my only quiet place. I needed to go to my "safe space."

I needed to go to that cliff, so I could look out and see the beautiful view of stars and the bright moon. So I could look out and tell myself to calm down. So that I could look out and clear my thoughts. So I could look out and reassure myself that everything was going to be okay.

I got up from my bed, and got prepared. It was getting really cold tonight, so I put on a coat. I took my phone and stuffed it in my coat pocket. I put on my shoes, and finally headed out. The time was now 21:55.

Hinata's pov
I finished writing my letters. One for my mom, Natsu- once she was old enough to understand-, friends- I combined a letter for all of my good friends to read together-, and Kageyama. I neatly folded each letter and slipped them into separate envelopes.

By the time I was sealing my letters, the tears had stopped falling. I was too numb.

I tried my best to write the persons name on each envelope, but my hand was uncontrollably shaking. Once it stopped quivering, I continued writing.

"To Mom"

"To Natsu; for when you're older"

"To my friends"

"To Kageyama"

I gently placed all the letters in my bag, trying my best not to wrinkle them.

I picked up my bag, and swung it around my shoulder. Then, I walked into the bathroom. I grabbed my hidden blade that was concealed in the cabinet below the bathroom sink. I had to fight the urge to not cut myself then and there.

"I have to wait." I told myself. I stuffed my blade into my coat pocket and left.

I wanted to go somewhere beautiful. Where the view was dazzling... so that way, the last think I remember will be a captivating sight.

I knew just where to go.