All I Wanted

chapter 15

Hinata's pov
I woke up to my alarm going off. It was Thursday morning and I had to go to school. I rubbed my eyes and got up. I went over to my desk, where my medication usually is. I went to go grab the bottle of pills, and then remembered. I didn't have any to take. Damn it. I was going to feel like absolute shit all day.

I got ready and then head out the door. I wasn't feeling very hungry. I biked down towards Karasuno. Then, I came to the sudden realization that I would have to face Kageyama again. Crap! I continued to bike down, yawning almost every minute.

I got to school and immediately fell asleep on my desk in first period. The next few periods went by, and I slept through all of them. It was now time for volleyball. Typically, I would be ecstatic to go, but today, I just wasn't feeling it.

I slowly walked in the gymnasium, already in my gym clothes.

"SHOUYOU!" Noya screamed as he came dashing towards me. How can someone be so happy all the time?

"Hey Noya..." I responded with.

He immediately stopped running towards me and froze. "What's with the depressed response... 'hEy nOyA'..." he mocked, "Come on! I thought you loved your senpai's!" He chuckled. I immediately realized how I was acting, and put on a rip-off smile.

"Who said that I ever liked you guys?" I joked.

"Hey! You sound just like Tsukishima!" Tanaka added. Tsukishima let out a "tsk."

As I was being hugged by Noya and Tanaka, I looked up to see Kageyama staring at me. I was surprised he wasn't glaring. But he just stared at me, calmly.

About halfway through practice, I began to feel overwhelmed with exhaustion. I began yawning every minute or so. Kageyama set for me. I went to go spike when all of a sudden, my body gave out on me. I jumped up and missed by a lot. By the time I was trying to hit the ball, the volleyball had already landed on the ground beside me.

"I'm sorry!" I bowed and jogged off to the side of the court. I felt so tired. After a short break, I went up to Coach Ukai.

"May I go use the restroom?" I asked

"Sure, but make it quick!" He smiled. I nodded and ran off to the stalls.

Once I was in the stall, I locked the door and sat on the bathroom floor. I started hyperventilating. My heart was pounding. I could feel the tears dripping off my face and onto my shirt. I felt so low. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself right then and there.

Not being on my medication was a lot worse than I thought it would be. I woke up this morning, and ever since then, my only thought that was taking over was about death. I wanted to slice my stomach. I wanted to slice my hip. I wanted to slice my chest. I wanted to slice my arms. I wanted to slice my shoulders. I wanted to slice my legs. I wanted to slice my back. I wanted to slice my face. I wanted a blade near me, so I could reach out, grab it, and cut myself until I died of blood loss.

I sat on the floor, sobbing out loud. I was in so much pain. I couldn't take it anymore. I was on the verge of screaming, wanting all the emotional suffering to go away.

"I can't do this anymore." I whispered to myself.

Kageyama's pov
"May I go use the restroom?" Hinata asked Coach Ukai.

"Sure, but make it quick!" Coach Ukai told him. Hinata ran off into the locker room. After a few more tosses, I realized that Hinata was still in the restroom. I thought that it would be the perfect time to at least say something to him.

I walked up to Coach Ukai.

"May I go use the restroom as well?" I asked.

"Sure... and check on Hinata, he's been in there for a quite a bit of time." He responded.

I nodded my head, bowed and then walked over to the locker room. I walked into the locker room, and went over to the bathroom door. As I was about to open the door to the bathroom stalls, I froze in place.

I could hear Hinata sob in pain. It sounded like someone had just died, and he was there to witness it. I stood there, and listened in to what was happening.

He continued to cry for another minute. He then went silent. I barely heard what he said next. From what I understood, he said,

"I can't do this anymore."

What was he talking about? He couldn't do what anymore? Volleyball? School? What was he saying? I didn't understand, but my heart ached for him. His cries sounded painful.

Even though I wanted to walk in and ask him if everything was okay, I decided to head back to practice and talk to him afterwards.

I walked out of the locker room, trying to hide my worry by putting on a straight face.

"What is Hinata doing in there?" Asahi asked.

"He was probably taking a shit." Tanaka laughed.

"Yeah.." I gave a fake smile.

Hinata finally walked out of the restroom a few minutes after, with a big, genuine looking smile. He was faking his grin so well, that if I hadn't heard him bawling earlier, I would've assumed he was perfectly fine. I than began to wonder how often he gave off that convincing, fake smile.

Hinata's pov
After about eight minutes of weeping by myself in the stall, I realized that the team was probably questioning what I was doing. Since I didn't want anyone coming in on me, I got up, dried my tears, and put on my phoney smile.

I walked out of the locker room and Noya started laughing.

"Were you taking a shit?" Noya immaturely laughed.

"Poop! You should say poop!" I laughed, scratching the back of my head.

My laugh, my smile, my happiness. It was all a lie.