Chapters of my life

Alex and Amy Mums Again

It wasn't for a few weeks later when Alex meet everyone to their new home and said she had conceived from their first round of IVF that it clicked. While Alex and Amy were getting congratulated, I was in the bathroom holding Ellie's hair up out of her face with she had her face in the toilet bowl. Once she had finished throwing up her lunch, she looked at me and everything fell into place. I quickly said goodbye to Alex and Amy before rushing home with Ellie. We stopped at the convenient store and picked up a few pregnancy tests and energy drinks. I dropped her off before getting home myself. Leo was at work and all the kids were at school, so I was home alone. I went straight to our bathroom and took the test. The test sat on the bench till Leo and the kids got home. My anxiety had come back, and I was frozen on the couch. I had several panic attacks while I sat on the couch. I was so petrified that the year of hard work to improve my mental health had come undone. If it was for Leo's warm arms around me, I would have spiraled out of control. Nothing came out of my mouth I just cried soaking his chest giving myself a migraine. Alexander help Leo with dinner and also cleaned up his sister. Once Celest was washed she pulled the fluffy blanket around me and then curled up on my lap. It hurt my heart to know that my kids knew what to do in one of my panic attacks, but it also made me proud of my parenting skills. I made sure my kids ate but I couldn't bring myself to eat. Alexander tucked Celest before coming into our bedroom to say goodnight. Leo said goodnight and jumped into the shower. Alexander didn't have to help me, but he still did. He took the brush out of my shaking hands and brushed through my chestnut hair. He really was my angel. Once he left the room, I got out my magnetic rings and centered myself. Then I looked over all the pictures of my lovely family and thought off how grateful I am for my family. Before bed I looked down on my thighs and traced my scars and said out loud to myself "You have come to far. It is not worth going back to the dark place you once were. Keep fighting because you know it gets better and you have to beautiful kids that need you here. You also good to sleep and wake up next to the love of your life." Leo held me through the night which help calm my nerves.