leaked (l.h.)

24

"Hi," I hear Luke as he approaches where I sit on the stairs in front of my house. His feet under the dried leaves that are already starting to cover the ground gives away his position, and when I raise my head up from where it laid on my knees I can't help but let out a soft gasp. "Sleepy?"

"Mm," I nod, looking up at him as he smiles above me. He has changed a lot since school ended last May. He's gained weight that's only made his figure fuller, but it looks good on him - as if it was supposed to look this way all along. And that was probably my fault, feeding him things he and I both know we should have stayed away from. But recently, I'm scared Luke will lose the weight again. Like I did, from losing our appetites because our brains were elsewhere.

"You couldn't sleep last night," Luke furrows his eyebrows when he realizes why I'm so tired. I'm usually wide awake by seven, so me being exhausted at seven thirty is odd to him. "Why didn't you call me?"

"It was no big deal," I lie, taking Luke's hand as he pulls me to my feet. But it was, and panic attacks wouldn't stop coming. The therapist was kept on stand by, and already I've got an appointment after school tonight.

"I couldn't sleep either," he says quietly, turning to me as we begin the long walk to school. I've made this walk a thousand times before, but this time it's different. It doesn't seem so lonely when Luke is beside me. "You should have at least texted me."

"I know," I nod, twirling my finger around a strand of my hair as I shrug. Honestly, I couldn't think straight last night. My family had no idea how terrifying these panic attacks are, and they slept straight through it. I wasn't in the right mind to wise up and give him a call. "I will next time."

"How are you feeling?" He asks cautiously, his voice soft beside me. As if he himself doesn't have other things to worry about instead of my first day back after Tyler was sentenced. "Are you okay?"

I shrug, turning to him instead. I keep it sweet and short, so that I don't distract from his pain. "Are you okay?"

"I just need a distraction," he shrugs, looking down at our feet as they walk side by side, our steps synced up with one another. We seem to do this a lot. "I think I might crack open my songbook tonight."

"I..." I begin, catching my breath in my throat as my eyes widen. I stop in my tracks, and as I break the choreography of our early morning walk I see him turn to face me. But what do I do? Do I tell him not to, just for my own selfish reasons? Or do I do this for his sake, our sake, that the letter I had once written him is far past the moment it should have been read. It's bad timing, bad taste. I can't let him see it. But instead of being truthful, I bring up something completely off topic. "I have my audition tonight."

"You do," he nods, tilting his head to the side when he realizes that something is up. "Are you ready?"

"I hope so," I sigh, feeling my heart beat begin to race in my chest. "I guess we'll see."

"I think you'll do great," he laughs, realizing he had no reason to be worried in the first place, at least when it came to why I froze the way I did. Keep him distracted. That's all I have to do. Distracted, away from his song book. At least, until I know that the timing is right. "Are you worried that you won't?"

"No," I shrug, taking a step or two until we're side by side again. He tugs on the sleeves of his trusty red flannel, one he is quickly starting to outgrow, listening to me intently. It's addictive, knowing that the things you say actually matters to someone. I guess I'm addicted to him. "I'm scared of being so overwhelmed that I'll screw it up."

"When we get to school, you'll see that it actually isn't as bad as you believed it would be." Luke explains after a second or two. As if he was at that school long enough to figure it out. Luke, although he wasn't as popular as I was, was never one to be made fun of since he was always so intimidating. That is, until he opened his mouth. Which, surprisingly, he never did first. "And you were worried for nothing."