leaked (l.h.)

27

Luke and I haven't spoken for days.

I walked through the halls alone, and I went days without talking to anyone besides my family. And for the most part, that was my fault. Michael, Calum, and Ashton definitely tried reaching out to me, but I never had the energy to keep up a conversation with them. So I just smiled and nod, and tried to get from point A to B without seeing Luke.

And it hurt. Waking up and not seeing a good morning message from him on my phone. Or going to sleep without hearing his raspy voice one last time. He used to be the first and last person I spoke to each day. I definitely took those for granted.

"I'd hate to send you to school in the pouring rain," my Mom says as I bring an apple out from the countertop. I bring it to my mouth as I sink my teeth into the fruit, my hair styled messy on top of my head. "Do you have a rain coat?"

"I have an umbrella," I say with my mouth full of apple, bringing out a black and white one from my backpack. "I'll be alright Mom."

"I worry about you," she glares playfully in my direction although she probably means it Everyone worries about me these days. "I hope you know that. Have you been doing what Dr. Hannah has been telling you?"

"I have to remember: whatever they say about me, I don't care." I repeat for the thirtieth time this week. I smile softly in her direction, wiping the juice of the apple off of my mouth and onto my sleeve.

"Perfect," she smiles, giving me a gentle peck on top of my head as she waves me off. My Step Father has to leave earlier for work now, since he leaves earlier to take me to therapy in the evenings. "Have a good day."

I send a weak smile in her direction as I slip on my shoes, and when I find myself on my front porch I bring the umbrella up over my head. With each step I make in the pouring rain, the gentle tap of raindrops on my umbrella and the splash of puddles underneath my feet keeps my company. They help distract me from how terribly scared I am of school. That, and the stress ball in my fist paired with the anxiety pills I had started to take the day after I had left Luke on the sidewalk. Huh, the rain reminds of that one night Luke showed up at my front door. I wish he'd do that again.

But despite how badly it hurts, I still can't help but wish that things had ended up differently. That I didn't allow something as silly as unrequited love get in the way of our relationship. And that he would never have said that he wishes he had never spoken to me to begin with.

I know he was probably talking out of his ass. But still, it hurts.

I stand at the top of my porch with the umbrella over my head, and the gentle tap of raindrops as it hits against the plastic gets louder and louder with each second I spend standing here. But as I look up, I see the boy who had once turned my world standing across the street from me. Usually I leave a lot later than today, but today was different. Today, I find out if I was casted in the play. I guess Luke didn't realize that when he decided to leave earlier to avoid seeing me.

But as I look at him, I see that he's completely soaked in the rain from above. His hoodie only does so much to shield him from it, but I know that he's probably shivering. And if he keeps going about the rain this way, he'll end up sick. 

"Goddammit," I frown, watching how he turns to see me staring at him. He looks like a deer in headlights, but he doesn't stay that way long. I watch how he turns and begins walking towards the school.

But I can't help but race towards him. Before I can think, I sprint across the street and through the puddles in his direction. My socks are wet, and I feel the water splash on my ankles. But I can't let him get sick the day before such a huge concert. 

"You're crazy," I scoff, bringing the umbrella up over him as he turns to me. And as our eyes meet, I can tell that he's a bit taken back. "You're going to get yourself sick."

"I couldn't find my raincoat," Luke says after a second or two. "And my Mum's umbrella was in her car. I couldn't find her keys, and I didn't want to wake her up. She's finally getting her sleep schedule back."

"I have an umbrella we both can use," I say, huddling close to him as we try to share the tiny umbrella. "If you want to."

"I do," he turns to me, taking the umbrella out of my hands to hold for me. "Why?"

"Because you've got a show tomorrow," I turn to him. "You can't be sick."

"No," he shakes his head. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

The rain only gets heavier, and as the two of us realize that we cannot see more than ten feet in front of us I am glad that I covered him when I did. "Because I know I was wrong to get upset over you finding someone else. And I know that..." I begin, feeling my heart sink as I find the courage to say the words that I never wanted to admit. "I am a lot to deal with. And to be honest, if I were you I'd say the same."

"No, don't say that," he says sharply. "I didn't mean an ounce of that crap. You're the best thing that's happened to me in a while. It just so happens that our lives began falling apart right as we met."

"Right," I nod, bringing my hands under my arms as I watch my feet walk across puddles slowly. We take our time. Am I really one of the best things that's happened to him?

"And you are a lot, but that's okay," he turns to me, and as my eyes meet his I can tell that his eyes are red-rimmed. He hasn't been sleeping. "Because a lot has happened to you. And I don't expect you to walk out unscathed."

"I never wanted to bring you into it," I turn to him. "You just happened to be the one person to listen to me and actually listen."

"Of course," he twirls the umbrella above me. "What was I supposed to do? Brush off the bruises that just wouldn't stop appearing? I felt bad for you," he admits, and as he speaks I can't help but feel my breath catch in my throat. "When I first moved here, you had the brightest smile in the room. And sometime during the year, it disappeared. I always wondered what had happened, and when I saw your wrist I realized."

"Yeah," I say quietly. "So you decided to talk to me? I always thought you were dark and mysterious. It was enticing. But, god, I was so wrong."

"Ha," he lets out a soft chuckle. "I just didn't like how negative everything was. And that's one reason why I found myself crushing on you even before we starting talking. You were so inviting, even after the bruises."

"You had a crush on me?" I turn to him, my heart still racing. My god, if I keep it up I'll pass out. 

"Who didn't?" He turns to me. "Everyone I know had a crush on you at some point."

"Oh, right," I nod, looking down at the sidewalk. "I always thought they just wanted in my pants." 

"I didn't."

"Didn't," I turn to him. "So you don't have a crush on me anymore?"

"No," he shakes his head honestly. And I take a deep breath as I feel my heart break even more inside my chest. "I don't think I do."

"That sucks," I say quietly. "Because I definitely have one on you."

"I know," he replies. "I know."