Wistful Secret

Final moments

As I am waiting for my death I wonder will life's defining moments flash over me. I guess what will they be, because now I know this is it, this is the end. I never believed in afterlife, but now the longing, the thirst to live, is unbearable. I feel regret, resentment, and everything at once. I never knew what death would feel like, but it is like plunging into a dark sea, into a void. Everything feels so meaningless, so utterly ridiculous, as I sit here as life slowly ebbs away.

How am I in this situation? My folly, my idiocy, name it. I don't hold anyone responsible, it is my own fault I didn't see this coming. Every thing cannot be a coincidence. Jason, oh Jason, why did u have to do this? I believed him, I trusted him and now he, he took away my life. I may not be dead, but I soon will be.

I was so happy, and how fun did the prospect of sharing this with him felt, I was in for a surprise. He opened the door and he was all smiles. Talking to him, I would not have guessed, what he had planned.

After we ate some ice cream, he suggested we go to a walk. I complied and walking away slowly, he started crying, I asked, "Hey, what's wrong?"

"This world is so cruel, u know, that good people cannot live here, it changes the people, and their good hearts"

"Well, we are born in this world and we die here, if nothing we can live the best we can, and besides goodness of heart never goes away"

He said,"You will change after u go to the university, u will and I will be left alone, once again. No I will never let u change, u will always remain the same for me, even if I have to lose u"

I felt a bit startled,"What are u saying Jason?"

"I mean what I say, even if I lose u, I will preserve this goodness u have, I saved Ben, surely, I can save u"

The mention of Ben clicked me and I did what seemed sensible to me. I ran.

"Hun, it's no use, u have already transcended to the path of true freedom. That ice cream, that was an elixir for eternal life. I always like this u know, an elixir, I also want to go with u, but Ben, he is alone and if I go with u, u will not be able to bond with him, and he will be left alone. But I knew that u were the one, the one who could help Ben, so just to make sure, I made friends with u, to prepare for the right time. And now it is. Ben will not be alone, Hun, cause u will be with him. The way u understood me, u were just perfect."

I don't understand, but the dizziness had started to set in. I could not walk anymore.

"Lay down,my dear and all will be well. I prepared a perfect concotion, with belladonnas,hemlocks, oleander, and some rue. Ice cream really does mask their taste. I went to lengths for u,for ben. Alas, I cannot join u, but I will, when my time does come. Meanwhile take care of Ben for me."

"U bloody..", but before I did complete my words, a wave of nausea hit me. He was still standing when I doubled over.

"Now begone, the world doesn't understand, but I do, Iris, and so, I have covered my tracks. I did wish I could stay with u, but I will meet u eventually. Don't worry, Iris, your memory will not be tainted, I will make sure of it."

With this he left me. I tries to speak, reason with him, but words did not make to my mouth. I fell on the ground, and crawled, suffered, while he left me, left me here.

Maybe he did kill Ben, and maybe his guilt has made him do all this. My final moments and all I want is a closure. No doubt, no doubt people will think I killed myself, alive I did not care for opinions, but in death, I don't know.

I want to ask forgiveness from Maya, first an foremost. I want to meet her. Then there is Aaron, who will blame himself, I want to ask forgiveness from Anna, but none of this is possible.

Even now, I cannot believe Jason could do something so drastic. He knew I would come to meet him, when I get my acceptance letter, he planned it so carefully. He stalled me for hours and choose this time, when everyone is at work or school.

But honestly I don't have time to hold grudges. I don't want pain anymore. I look towards the sky, the trees, the nature that provided me refuge for so long. I try to get up, to look at the monastery one last time,which I go see. I fall back on the ground and a stone hits me. But I feel no pain. I feel content.

Slowly, even thoughts have dwimdled. Passage of time no longer affects me. It could be seconds, days or even years. It no longer matters.

I keep on looking at the sky as I wait, wait for my death.