Fighting the Disquiet

15

"But without

the having

there was

nothing—

so to the nothing

I

hold."

-Coco J. Ginger

After dinner and a hot shower spent trying to untangle my matted hair, I stared up at my ceiling trying to figure out why I was so fucking crazy. I just wanted to know why it was Tanner's voice. Like why couldn't it be a sexy voice that wasn't mean and intimidating? Why couldn't the voice be like Ryan Reynolds or Chris Hemsworth giving me a pep talk or telling me jokes or something?

After a while of staring into space, I remember that I have homework and that it's getting late so I grumpily grab my homework from my backpack and sprawl out on my bed. 

After trudging through the work I slammed my textbook shut and rested my head on my mattress. My mind wandered to Decker and how it felt when he held me. I couldn't help the butterflies it gave me as I remembered the scent of his cologne and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath my ear. He was so calm, like holding me was natural. He must not feel the same way I do or else his heart would have been racing with nerves like mine was.

I groan and roll my eyes to myself.

Stop being so stupid, El. Of course, he doesn't like you. Why would he? You're unattractive and lame.

I hadn't realized that I was falling asleep until my phone vibrated on the mattress beside my head and startled me awake. I sat up and opened the text from Taylor. It was a photo from today. I opened it and zoomed in. I was shocked. The photo was actually kind of haunting. It was from when I was laying in the sand as a wave crashed into me and she had asked me to think about someone I missed. I was entranced by the emotion in my eyes when my phone vibrated again and I read the text from her. 

Taylor: My favorite one so far. I might have to enter this into the art show.

Me: wow. I didn't know I could look like that.

Me: Wait what do you mean art show? Like for other people to see?

Taylor: yes. that is generally the point of a show. To show off your work for others to see.

I stared at Taylor's last text and my stomach tightened. I didn't even think about how everyone in her class would be seeing these. And now she wanted the whole school and possibly parents and stuff to see my work at the art show. I locked my phone and released a heavy sigh.

This is going to be so embarrassing. Thank God I was at least partially covered in those photos.

[#][#][#]

It'd been a little over a week since the incident at the beach. And by 'incident', I mean hearing stupid Tanner in my head. Unfortunately, it started becoming a regular occurrence. As I was falling asleep he'd shout at me to open my eyes. Or I'd be in class focusing on taking A+ notes when he'd tell me I was such a fucking waste of space. I would be trying to engage in conversation with my friends at lunch and he'd call me a bitch and tell me to keep my mouth shut.

You get the idea.

Surprisingly, or I guess not really, I was getting used to hearing it. I mean, I'd no longer jump or look around expecting to see him standing right beside me. Of course, it was jarring, but I'd take a deep breath and try to resume whatever task I was doing at the time. I think the hardest was when I was trying to fall asleep. I'd started to sleep with the lights on. When I heard his voice as I fell asleep I would start thinking irrationally. I would start panicking that he was actually in my room.