Fighting the Disquiet

18

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."
― Yann Martel, The Life of Pi

After what happened on Monday, I knew that I needed to get things under control. Especially before my date on Friday. So, I spent two hours at the gym every night this week until I was so drained I could come home and pass out. 

It seems to be helping. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I feel like silence makes it worse. When I'm left alone to my own thoughts. I get so overwhelmed by the invading voice in my head that I want to stick a drill hole in it. In order to combat this, I think my AirPods have become permanently attached to my ears. I've had them in every possible moment I could this week. But it was Friday now. And I'd made it through the worst week ever probably failing most of my exams because I couldn't focus. 

I don't know what was stressing me out more, the fact that after this week I'd probably be failing all my classes, the fact that I'm going on my first date ever tonight with like the sexiest man alive, or the fact that I'm going fucking crazy and can't stop hearing stupid Tanner berate me in my mind.

Has anyone ever had this happen to them before? Because I've spiraled down too many Reddit forums and I still don't feel comforted. I just wish it was someone else's voice. Like is it too much to ask for it be Harry Styles reading those meditation stories he does for that one app? And yes, I've purchased the app just so that I can listen to him while I fall asleep. Don't judge me.

Someone knocked on my bedroom door and I paused the music coming from my speaker. 

"Come in," I call out as I stare at the three pairs of shoes I've pulled out.

"Why didn't you tell me you were in the art show?" my dad asks glancing around my room.

"It's not a big deal," I shrug, looking at myself in the mirror with the first pair of shoes on.

"Honey, that's awesome. I promise I'll be there," he says proudly.

I roll my eyes to myself because I doubt that he will show up. He never attended any of my previous school accomplishments like eighth-grade promotion or national honor's society induction or a single tennis match. 

"I'm really proud of you. You're really making an effort. I know that last year wasn't the easiest and I'm just happy that you've got friends and are doing so well in school."

My stomach tightens at the idea of good grades and I clench my jaw.

"Speaking of friends," he says with a smile, "where you going?"

"Out," I say nonchalantly trying on the final pair of shoes.

"With?" he asks.

"Oh, um, a friend," I say removing the shoes and deciding on the second option.

"Okay, well are you coming home or spending the night out?" he asks suddenly interested in being a parent.

"I'll be home tonight," I say, standing up from my bed and adjusting my hair.

"Okay," he nods. I can feel him staring at me so I turn and glare at him.

"What?" 

"Nothing, you just look really pretty...You look like your mom," he says with a soft smile.