Fighting the Disquiet

25

"I just wish that I could wake up

My mind

Whispers in the nighttime

Voices always keeping me up

Telling me that I should give up

'Cause lately, I've been in the backseat to my own life

Trying to take control, but I don't know how to"

- Lauv 

I woke up that next day feeling the happiest I'd felt in probably a year. I felt like I was ready to move on, put the past behind me. Allow myself to trust people, be vulnerable, feel loved, and love others. It was like everything was turning around.

Weeks passed where I wasn't hyper-focused on my grades, I was enjoying spending time with my friends at school, kissing my boyfriend, doing normal teenage shit.

Until one Wednesday night, I had another nightmare. Only this time it was much more...graphic, you could say. I don't want to traumatize you but when I woke up and the sounds of Tanner coming inside me were still ringing in my ears so I blasted my music so loudly in my that I'll probably have permanent hearing damage.

Needless to say, I was not in the greatest of moods when I arrived at school. This is becoming a reoccurring theme, isn't it? I felt defeated and stupid. So stupid. I thought that I could actually be happy...silly me. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew it. Do you ever feel like the universe is just waiting to tell you...'lol. sike, gotcha!'? Like the universe is just chilling with a bowl of popcorn laughing its ass off at how excited I got about being happy only to make things completely fall apart for its own entertainment purposes. Like I'm on some sick reality tv show where I'm not in control of my own life.

I avoided going to the quad before school because I didn't want to have to expend any additional energy smiling for my friends and instead went straight to class. Fortunately, the morning was going pretty smoothly. I only had to pretend with Decker that I was in a good mood and with him, it wasn't very hard. He always made me want to smile. I was sitting in physics class next to Decker as per usual when Mr. Hendricks launched into his PowerPoint lecture. I just wanted lunch to hurry up and arrive because I was getting sleepy having to sit in class. I glanced at the clock for the umpteenth time that period and sighed. We still had twenty minutes of class left and Mr. Hendricks had not stopped talking since it started. I think he just likes the sound of his own voice. I looked back down at my paper and quickly sat up straight. 

My first thought was: this is weird. And my second thought was: shit I hope no one, AKA Decker, notices. Written all over my notebook was 'DON'T TELL'. Like repeatedly. I quickly turned the page but that one was also covered in my handwriting with the same phrase: 'DON'T TELL'. I glanced over at Decker but gasped when I noticed that the whole classroom was empty. 

Okay, seriously, he couldn't have told me that the bell rang for lunch. Annoyed, I slam my notebook shut and drop my pencil in the case on my desk. I have this urge my throat to cough, you know like a tickle in the back of the throat, so I do. Only when I cough this cloud of dirt comes flying out onto the tabletop. 

What the fuck? 

I put my hand in my mouth and more dirt comes out faling onto my lap and the floor.