Fighting the Disquiet

2

"Questions from earlier circle like buzzards. Am I running away or moving forward?

- Doug Cooper

I plaster a smile on my face, not like a creepy one, but just enough so that my resting bitch face isn't showing as I visualize the route to my locker. If you didn't already realize, this is my first year here at Clear Lake High School, which by the way isn't even near a freaking lake it's just the name of the subdivision of houses that surrounds the school. It's not my first year in high school, I mean I'm about to turn seventeen, so this is my junior year. But it's my first year at Clear Lake on account of what happened last December. Which I don't feel like explaining right now because I'm still too pissed off about it. And like I said I was trying to make this a great year. A much, much better one than last year but it was proving to be difficult.

When I reached the building that my locker was in I pulled up the notes app in my phone to check my locker combo. It took me two tries before I was able to unlock it, but I finally did and began pulling out the books that I would need for my first couple blocks of the day. I hated that my locker was so far away from any of my classes which meant that I would have to break my back carrying my textbooks around with me all day. But like I said, I'm trying really hard to make this a good year so I'm not going to keep complaining about it. Okay, maybe only a couple more times.

When I had grabbed what I needed I pulled up the picture I had taken of the school map, I didn't want to look like a freak or worse a freshman carrying it around with me all day and planned my route across campus to my first class: AP English Composition. As I said, part of my new plan, that I drafted last night when I couldn't sleep at two in the morning because I was having a freak out episode, was that I would try to forget everything that happened the last year and I would be trying as hard as humanly possible to obtain the highest GPA I could so that I could get into a college far, far away from the hell hole I was living in.

Don't get me wrong Orange County aka Southern California is nice and all, but what wasn't nice was my brother, my dad, and my step-mom. And my brother's douchbag best friend. But I can't even think about them right now or I won't be able to contain my resting bitch face. So I focus on getting to my classroom on time and prepared so that I can get an A in the class and get one step closer to graduating high school. God, why am I only a junior?

When I entered the classroom it was empty, but after double-checking that I was indeed in the right place according to my schedule I took a seat at the desk closest to the door but also close to the front of the classroom. I want to get an A and I know that the people who don't care about their grades (well in general) sit at the back of the class and talk.

I nervously fidget with my hair, taking a moment to comb through knots that I have no idea how the hell even got there considering I had just straightened my hair like maybe an hour ago. I closed my eyes to give myself another little pep talk when the door clicked opened and a boy entered the classroom. He walked down the row and I could hear him behind me.

I jumped when he swung his backpack to the ground and it hit the metal legs of the chair across from me, making a loud clanging sound. I could see in my peripheral that he had pulled out his phone and was focused on it.

Out of all the fucking seats in the world, okay well all 25ish seats in this classroom that were empty, he had to sit directly across from me.

I stared straight ahead as I watched the seconds hand on the clock go around. I was grateful that this boy didn't seem interested in talking to me because I was beginning to question whether or not I could be nice enough. I'm not saying I'm a bitch, and until last December I wasn't, at least not all the time, but in the last nine months, I've become a little cynical, and that nightmare I had only reminded me exactly why I shouldn't trust people: friends or family. Because they will only let you down. If you just keep your expectations at like zero then you'll never be disappointed.