Fighting the Disquiet

30 - Epilogue

No one can save me except myself. 

- Suzanne Colasanti

Six Months Later

We had one month left before the end of the school year. I was looking forward to the summer break because Decker, Summer, Scott, Taylor, Amy, and I were planning on spending every day at the beach if we could. 

I guess I should explain what happened after I left the hospital back in November. My mom decided that she would move back to California so that I could finish out my high school education with the friends that I had made. My therapist told her how important it was for me to have a strong support group. Especially after we reported the rape to the police and there was nothing they could do. There was no evidence. So, instead, we took out two restraining orders: one against Wade and one against Tanner. I haven't spoken to my dad at all since everything came out and I guess it didn't really change much. I never had a close relationship with him so it pretty much went back to the way things were before I moved in with him.

I ended up telling the rest of our friend group what happened and although I feared the worst, that they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore, we've only gotten closer. My therapist says it's some deep-seeded abandonment issue that probably goes beyond my mom leaving and stems from when my dad left us when I was just two. It's something I'm working on. 

As for the hallucinations, which I'm sure you're all curious about, they've stopped. For the most part. Every now and then I have to ask if something is real and my friends can help me sort out reality. The nightmares. Well, the nightmares haven't exactly stopped, but they don't happen every night like they did for the first month or so after I was released from the hospital. My therapist said it was because I was coming to terms with the fact that everything was real and the hypnotherapy that she did was getting my body to process something very painful and very scary.

Don't worry. Decker and I are still together, despite my attempts to push him away. I felt so guilty in the beginning because I felt like I was burdening him with my problems. I thought that he would be better off without me. If he found a normal high school girl to date he wouldn't have to worry about being punched in the face every time he woke me up from a bad dream or listen to me cry my eyes out over my 'problems'. It took me a couple of months, but I finally realized something. Well, I realized it after my therapist made me read something. I'll share it with you here in case it helps anyone else going through something similar:

"There is no such thing as a 'broken family'. Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you." - C. Joybell

After all of their denial, I felt this hatred towards Wade, and my dad, and Julia. I hated that they were my family and that they could have done something so terrible to me. That someone I once called brother could have allowed his friend to rape me while I was clearly drugged. That my own father would choose to believe his step-child over his own flesh and blood. But, then I learned that family doesn't always mean blood or a marriage certificate relationship. I had the power to choose my family. And by hating them I would always carry them around with me for the rest of my life. So I decided that they weren't my family. I have no relation to them whatsoever, no bond, no ties. My family is Decker. Summer. Scott. Amy. Taylor. My mom. And yes, even Tom.

Despite everything that happened between my mom and me, I have forgiven her because I don't want to hold onto that hate. Or the hate that I felt towards Tom for taking her away from me. I love my mom and I want her to be happy. Which is why I put up with their obnoxious PDA when he visits twice a month from Canada. Sure, our relationship isn't perfect, and may not ever be, but I'm slowly learning to trust her again and count on her to be there for me.

I know that I have so much more to go through until I finally feel like I can close the book on that chapter in my life, but I can't wait around for someone to save me. I've got to save myself. Yes, I have my support system, but I have to be willing to put in the effort to move forward. And I can't do that unless I process the pain, the heartache, and the grief.

If you take anything away from my story let it be this: don't take three Benadryl's or else you'll be too doped up to do anything when your brother's best friend comes into your room to rape you.

No, I'm just kidding. Although, I strongly do not recommend overdosing on any medication, ever. 

In all seriousness, if your trust has been broken, I hope that you can learn to trust people again like I have. If you've been hurt by someone you love, I hope that you can forgive yourself and know that it's not your fault and that their actions do not reflect your self-worth. I hope that you are able to create the family that you deserve if the one you've been given isn't safe, or healthy. And most of all, I hope that you can feel happiness. Real, true happiness. Where you can't stop smiling and you feel excited about living life again. Because despite everything I thought you deserve to be happy. No matter what crappy shit life has thrown at you and might throw at you in the future, you deserve to be happy.