Fighting the Disquiet

26

"The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over."
― Hunter S. Thompson,

I ignore the pounding in my head and burning of my eyes as I apply more concealer beneath them. My heart races as I notice a shadow in my peripheral vision. When I look, there is no one there. There shouldn't be because I am home alone. 

My mind thinks back to my encounter with Tanner two nights ago and I fight the urge to scream. 

(Flashback)

I exit my bathroom and clutch my chest in fright when I see Tanner standing there, leaning against the door frame, blocking the entrance to my door. 

"What do you want?" I ask as forcefully as I can muster despite how afraid he makes me feel.

He looks me up and down and bites his lip. 

"I can't stop thinking about you," he says with a gravelly voice.

I knit my brows together in confusion. Is this really happening? Or is my mind playing tricks on me?

"Move," I say pushing him aside. 

I think to myself how easy that was but don't realize that it was too easy before his hand grips my wrist, spinning me around and pinning me against the wall. His face is inches from mine and my heart is pounding in my chest. I open my mouth to yell at him to get off but he places his hand over my mouth roughly. He uses his free hand to press his finger to his lips.

"It's our little secret, remember?" he says smirking at me. 

I stare at him wide-eyed. God, I'm dreaming. This is a nightmare. This isn't real. It can't be real.

He releases his hand giving me a pointed look as if to say don't you dare open your mouth and he stares at my lips. He licks his own and squints his green eyes at me.

"God, that was fun," he strokes his finger across my jawline and down my neck until he reaches my chest, "I've been wanting to do it again."

His words make my stomach churn and I pray that I wake up soon. He suddenly steps back, winking at me before turning down the hallway and bounding down the stairs. 

I stare at the empty hallway in shock. 

That can't have been real? I pinch myself to see if that actually works and will wake me up but nothing happens. My stomach tightens and I can feel my Thanksgiving dinner churning. This sickening feeling overtakes my body and I start sweating profusely. If that was real, then what else is real? I lock myself in the bathroom gasping for air. The tears start to fall and I can't get the images of the nightmare I've been having the last few months out of my head. The feeling of Tanner's mouth on mine, his hands on my body, screaming for Wade to come back as he pins me down on my bed and tells me to shut up, his moans when he tells me how tight I am...

I throw up everything in my stomach and when I'm done I sit against the bathtub with my legs against my chest, crying. I don't understand. This can't be happening. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my ability to distinguish reality from hallucinations. That's when I notice the red mark on my wrist from when he grabbed me and I start to cry even harder. That means it must have been real, right? 

No.

No.

No!

That means that everything that happened was real.

No.

No.

No.

No.