The Darkness In Us

Mixed Feelings

I wake up at seven sharp. Apollo is asleep on my pillow and I carefully get up and head to my shower. I push the straps of my silky sleeping gown over my shoulders and it slides off my body and crumples onto the floor. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I get into the shower and I stare at the woman staring back at me.

I look better than I did two weeks ago.

I turn on the hot water and step inside, letting it wash all my worries away. Truthfully, I'm anxious about meeting up with Uldren. The encounter we had last night is still playing in my mind. Once I'm done showering I head into my closet and pull a pair of black jeans, a white, cropped tank top, a black leather jacket, and my combat boots. I wear my classic dark colored lipstick and head out once Apollo is awake. Uldren had sent me a message with the address and it's down in the City. I fly over and Apollo is scolding me.

"I can fly this ship you know. You don't have to do everything."

"Apollo, how many times do I have to tell you? You're kit some servant or a slave or anything like that to me. You're my partner. I'm not gonna burden you with everything."

"I wish you would..." he mutters. I sigh, feeling conflicted.

Sometimes I get the feeling that Apollo wants to say more than he does. He holds back a lot and I wonder why. Is he scared I'm going to tell him to leave? How can this tiny...robot thing...care about things like that?

I set my ship down gently on the landing pad and open the hatch to get out. I'm greeted by Cayde, who looks surprised.

"Lilith?" he asks, eyeing me. I flush a bit, nodding.

"Yeah it's us." Apollo says.

"What are you doing here?"

"We could ask you the same thing." Apollo replies.

"Li-" I turn and see Uldren who looks to Cayde. Cayde looks to him and back to me and gives me a wink.

"Now I know why you're here." Cayde says. I give him a small smile and Cayde shrugs.

"I'm here to meet Amanda at the restaurant across the street. They have the best breakfast buffet in the entire City." he says. Uldren nods.

"Yeah. That's why I invited Lilith. I figured it had been awhile since she had any food other than ramen." he says.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you do need variety. I'll see you guys later." he says. Uldren and I nod. Cayde turns back around "By the way, Lilith, we've got a mission coming up here in a week. We're gonna have to train extra hard to get you ready." he says. I nod.

"We'll meet you tomorrow morning for training." Apollo says. Cayde nods and walks away. Uldren looks at me.

"Umm...you look...very nice." he says, flushing a deeper blue. I smile nervously.

"You mean she looks beautiful?" Apollo asks slyly. Uldren shoots him a thoroughly annoyed look but nods all the same.

"Yeah. Sorry. I haven't done this in awhile..." he murmurs. He pulls a sunflower from behind him and hands it to me. I take it and smile. Sunflowers are some of the most beautiful flowers I've seen. They're bright and warm, like the sun. I'm admiring the petals of the flower when he offers me his arm and I shake my head.

"She doesn't like being touched."

"Oh, okay. That's fine. Don't worry." he says, giving me a reassuring smile. He takes a step back from me and I nod in thanks. I'm glad he's respectful about it.

We go into the restaurant and quickly pile up our plates with food before taking a seat. Everything is delicious. We eat for about ten minutes without talking, but it isn't uncomfortable at all. It's nice to be out and about. It's nice to have some company.

In all honesty, it feels weird to think about talking to someone other than Apollo. When Cayde and I talked, it was really him who did the talking. Apollo and I are synced enough for him to know more or less what I want to say. I wonder if he's expecting me to talk to him as of we're texting. When we text it's fine because I don't have to talk. But...in person it's different.

I can feel my anxiety rising as we keep eating and I almost feel sick. Suddenly the room is way too hot. It almost feels like the Earth is shaking except it isn't.

"Lilith." Uldren says quietly. I look up at him. He gives me a gentle smile "We don't have to talk...if you don't want to. Look my intentions are...were...to court you. But I'm content with just being your friend. I just...want to get to know you. The real you, this time.... Just, breathe..." he says. He looks sad but he's still smiling. But his eyes tell me everything. They tell me he still cares about me. That it breaks him to know I don't remember him and that I might never be able to.

I want to reach out to him and tell him all of my fears and anxieties and hopes. I really do.

Can I trust you...?

*
*

-Uldren -

I'm wondering if maybe I fucked up by doing this. All I can think about were those woman's words before Cayde and I left that night, before she died, once everyone was gone.

"...I did love you...Uldren...I loved Cayde too...that...was the downfall...of my plans..."

Her words still spread through me like poison. She wasn't Bela. But I had this love for her without knowing it wasn't really her. I was wondering why she had changed...why didn't I notice it?

Why do I miss her? Do I miss the idea of her? Do I miss the person I thought I knew?

What the hell is wrong with me?

"Uldren....?" I hear Lilith's voice cut through my thoughts.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I gotta go. Vanguard called." she says. She looks like she's sorry. I nod.

"Yeah. It's cool, no worries. Maybe some other time." I say quickly. She opens her mouth to say something but Apollo intervenes.

"We'll see. She hasn't been feeling well." he says. She stands up and puts glimmer down on the table. She gives me one look, warm brown eyes searching my face, then my own eyes. She bites her lip and just leaves. I see her at the door as she gives me one more glance.

My appetite is gone and so I pay for the meal and head to the apartment.

I miss her. I want to hold her in my arms but...I can't. Will she ever remember me? Am I just holding onto some false hope?

She really isn't who she used to be. Then again, after everything that's happened...I don't know how I'd react if I had no memories of what I'd done or of what someone else did in my place.

Will you trust me?

*
*

-Lilith -

I close the door to my apartment and lock it. I feel exhausted, completely drained of energy right now from being in the restaurant. I head into my shower and fill up my tub with hot water and soap and I strip, getting in carefully, laying down.

The effects are almost immediate. The headache I had, is gone. My body feels more relaxed. I think about Uldren, about what could be.

I really shouldn't dwell on this.

My phone notification goes off and I take it, seeing a message from Cayde.

<Hey, change of plans. Training starts tonight. Make sure you're ready, because I have a few people who will help me cross train you.

I sigh. Typical Cayde. If there's one thing I've learned about him, it's that he's very spontaneous. Still, I'm happy to train. I've been desperate to leave the Tower and the City since I awoke again but they hadn't given me permission to do so, which is why I was couped up in my apartment instead. I'll be happy to get up to speed on training so that I can leave.

>That's fine. See you at 8pm.

I look at the time and decide to end my bath. I have stuff to do before I train.