We all have our masks [Twenty One Pilots]

Chapter Twenty Four: Goodbye

"Sit down."

Lena's voice was strong, it wasn't trembling anymore. She was decided to get this over with and move on. Josh and Tyler looked at each other, unsure. Lena tried calming herself down. They had a right to know, or at least, they had a right to wonder and to ask questions. It was up to her to reveal the truth, whether whole or half of it. 

Josh moved first. Tyler didn't flinch, and he was slightly getting on Lena's nerves, but the girl fought the urge to yell at him. Instead, she shrugged her shoulders, and took a seat one of the kitchen chairs. She breathed in and out, slowly. In and out. In and out. Her heart was beating hard against her chest in anticipation, but she knew she had to do this now. No matter the consequences. 

"So... Where do I begin..." she whispered, more to herself than to the boys. Tyler was still standing, fidgeting and making Lena feel nauseous. She couldn't even look at him. "Well, what do you wanna know?" she finally asked, looking up at Josh, seated in front of her.

Josh shrugged, unsure, and looked over to Tyler. He was the one who started this. He should be the one asking the questions. But the boy was still mute, patiently waiting, leaning his back on the counter. Lena clenched her fists. Keep calm, she thought.

"Then I guess I'll just start with the beginning," she said with a sigh. "So, I left the US with my dad when I was a kid. He had met a woman and wanted to join her in France. They married, had a kid, Tommy." She turned to Tyler, trying not to be spiteful but failing miserably. "Sorry to disappoint, Tyler. I'm not an irresponsible mother, you can't have that against me. I am an irresponsible half-sister, though. Tommy is my brother."

One secret out. The lump in Lena's throat felt just a little bit less painful. But Tyler still wasn't reacting. He had crossed his arms against his chest, waiting for the big revelation, for the thing that would possibly make him hate her and give him an excuse to kick her out of his life. That was what he should be thinking anyway, Lena thought.

"As for the drug part... I, um, I wasn't a good kid, I'll give you that. I wasn't adapting well to France, had trouble in school, no friends whatsoever and I was feeling so alone. That's when I met people who made me believe that I was one of them. I followed them in everything they did, everything they thought... Everything they took. Started with weed, then some pills and cocaine..."

Lena's voice cracked. There wasn't a day when she didn't think about that, but somehow, putting it into words and out into the world felt more painful than she thought it would be. She closed her eyes, trying not to cry again because she was strong, for God's sake. She should be. She had changed, and she wanted the guys to understand. 

"It's just... You start with one line, and it makes you feel so good for a few hours that you actually forget you're just a piece of crap with no hope of a nice future. And when you get back to your normal state, you just feel like more of a mess, so you take some more. Just one time, just to feel a little good again. It's always just one more time."

Lena was now crying, head in her hands. She probably looked like crap, but the boys wouldn't want to have anything to do with her after that anyway. She flinched when she felt a poke on her shoulder. Tyler was standing beside her, handing her a box of tissues. 

"Thanks," she murmured, taking one from the box and drying her cheeks. Oh god, what a mess she was. She felt empty, and she just wanted to be alone and drown in her own sorrow. But she'd gone that far already, she couldn't stop now. 

Tyler went back to his place against the counter, and Josh cleared his throat nervously. 

"Uhm... Yeah, so. I was having withdrawal symptoms when I met Jey. I was out of my mind. I was 17, and I was alone past midnight, trying to find someone that could sell some coke, crying and puking every once in a while, and people coming out of that rock show were just walking past me like I was a ghost. But he didn't. He could have taken advantage of me but he didn't. He took care of me, and I stayed at his place for a few weeks. My dad didn't..." Lena's voice cracked again, and she started sobbing. 

In a clumsy attempt to comfort her, Josh got up from his chair and went round the kitchen table to place a warm hand on her shoulder, but she brushed it off, although gently. She didn't want his pity. She didn't want anyone's pity. She just needed to let it all out.

"My dad didn't even ask for me. And when I came back, he was hanging from the tree in the backyard. He fucking killed himself. Like I wasn't alone enough, he had to tie a noose and leave. So I left too. I went on tour with Jey, we fell in love and then I had to ruin that too. I had to screw over the one person that made me feel okay."

A rush of anger shot through Lena's veins. She was still so mad at herself for that. She didn't even know how it happened. From an outsider, that story would have looked like one of those movies. Lena chuckled. Hell, her whole life was a movie. A drama. Dark and twisted. And she was the one who shut off that tiny little light that was beginning to shine for her. 

Jey and her had just had a heated argument, and she had left, slamming the door to his apartment. He had just given her the keys a few weeks earlier. She had spent the night at Julie's, and the next day, she had bumped into that guy, Alex. He was a childhood friend, her first crush, and the rush of adrenaline that popped into her at that moment made her do things she instantly regretted. 

"I cheated on Jey."

Silence. Inside, Lena could still hear her words resonating like shattered glass. She sighed, laying her head on the table, unable to look up at the boys. She didn't want to see their disgusted faces. She couldn't handle that. She had seen those looks in so many people, and theirs would be too much.

Again, she felt Josh's hand patting her shoulder. She didn't move this time, but flinched at another touch. Tyler was slightly forcing her to face him. He had knelt down on his knees, and taken her hands in his. 

"Lena... I'm sorry you had to go through all this. And I promise you that I'm not judging you," Tyler started, his voice soft, his thumbs rubbing the back of Lena's hands. "I just didn't understand why you had to keep this a secret for so long and-"

"Why haven't you told me about Leah, then?" Lena spit the words like knives. Of course, she regretted it the moment she said it, but she wasn't surprised by herself. She always had a tendency to screw things up. It was almost as if she couldn't even control herself. Maybe that couldn't be changed.

Tyler's face went from soft to surprised - eyebrows shot up - to anger. Instantly, he let go of her hands and got up. 

"Don't you dare-"

"What, Tyler? You're asking me why I kept secrets from you. Am I not allowed to ask why you kept secrets from-"

"It's not the same-"

"It is EXACTLY the same!"

"GUYS!"

Josh's shout made both Lena and Tyler jump. Lena was panting, out of breath with anger. She looked at Tyler, then Josh who was clearly battling his own brain to find something to say that could ease the tension. But he didn't say anything. So Lena took her chance. 

"Let it go, okay? I'm just... You got what you wanted, you know pretty much everything there is to know about me, I hope you're happy. Thank you guys for allowing me to go on tour with you, it was truly an amazing experience and I'm-"

Lena clenched her fists again. Her voice was trembling, but she was doing everything in her power to not let emotions get the best of her.

"I'm really glad I got to know you all. Also thank you for letting me crash here. I owe you one." Lena sighed as she finished speaking, then she turned around with teary eyes and left the room. Those words had killed her, although she had meant every single one of them. And if they sounded like a goodbye, that's because they were.