Why?

Chapter 7 - Angry

Camila's POV

    You know when someone close to you dies and you go through the stages of grief? Well...

    My whole life I always heard people saying 'grief is not just the death of a loved one' I never believed any of that bullshit but now I believe and understand what they meant. Now that he left I was going through the grief of our friendship, a siblinghood or whatever you want to call it.

The stages of grief are quite simple yet quite confusing.

1st= Shock
-Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
2nd= Denial
-Trying to avoid the inevitable.
3th= Anger
-Frustrated outpouring bottled-up emotion.
4th= Bargaining
-Seeking in vain for a way out.
5th= Depression
-Final realization of the inevitable.
6th= Testing
-Seeking realistic solutions.
7th= Acceptance
-Finally finding a way forward.

    Now this isn't the guideline for it, in fact there isn't a guideline to deal with that type of stuff. These are simply common stages some people go through.

I'll give you a dolar if you can guess which one I am at. If you couldn't already tell it's stage 3. Anger. I was angry that he didn't say anything. I was angry that I didn't notice what he felt like. I was angry that he had some nerve trying to tear my faith apart.

All these questions were haunting me everywhere I went. The living breathing memory of him. His escent lived everywhere. In the hoodies he left at my house, the blankets on my bed where he used to lay as he heard me talk about things.

'I was there, I was there, when no one was now you're gone and I'm here.' I wrote the words down in my journal.

In all of this mess I started writing lyrics everywhere I went but after the napkin I wrote lyrics down got trashed I decided to bring my journal everywhere I went.

Feeling inspired I grabbed my pen again and started putting together lyrics.

'Why did you leave me here to burn?
I'm way too young to feel this hurt
I feel doomed inside my room
Staring straight up at the wall
Counting wounds and I am tryin' to numb them all

Do you care, do you care?
Why don't you care?
I gave you all of me
My blood, my sweat, my heart, and my tears
Why don't you care, why don't you care?
I was there I was there, when no one was
Now you're gone and I'm here

I have questions for you
Number one, tell me who you think you are?
You've got some nerve tryin' to tear my faith apart

Number two, why would you try and play me for a fool?
I should have never, ever, ever. trusted you

Number three, why weren't you, who you swore that would be?
I have questions I've got questions haunting me
I have questions for you

How do I fix it? Can we talk? Can we communicate? Can we talk? Do I wanna fix it?
I have questions for you
Is it my fault? Is it my fault? Do you miss me?'

    With that I close my notebook, put my keyboard away and looked around my room. I was all a mess but all I wanted to do was just lay down and stay there thinking about everything that happened.

I've been going out more with Jake lately, it's been good, he's been patient with me and brings me chocolates and my favorite flowers which I had no idea how he knows sunflowers were my favorites but he knows.

Lately he had known a lot of things about me that neither me or my family told him. I half wondered if Shawn had sent him a letter or text with things about me. I threw the idea away for a moment but I've been thinking about it more and more lately.

I was halfway through Junior year and still nothing from Shawn. Not even his mom told me anything but after a couple of months I stopped asking.

Even though Aaliyah's brother broke me I couldn't turn my back to her. She was like my little sister and her and my actual sister were inseparable. We talked and joked around almost every time she was here.

One day I saw an article about a basketball players of Toronto and his name was listed. A wave of emotions started to come over me. I was currently with Jake sitting in his bed as we read through basketball articles for a class project I had.

I closed the laptop and stormed out of his house before he had a chance to ask if I was okay.

I ended up on our favorite spot in front of the lake. No one knew about this spot. No one. But Jake somehow ended up finding me there.

"I thought you'd be here." He said as he walked up behind me.

"How do you know about this place?" I arched a brow in question. If there was a letter it wasn't a question. There was definitely something left for him too. "He left you something didn't he?" I asked already knowing the answer before he could even say it.

Jake sighed and rubbed his temple. Looking at me and nodding he took out a piece of paper from his back pocket.

    Handing it to me, he kissed my forehead and left me alone.

"Dear Jake

Sup dude? You better be treating her right or else I'll come back to kick your ass. She deserves way better than me and that's you bud. I know things with us have always been weird since you somewhat knew my feelings for her but you were man enough to know I would never run her happiness knowing I would never be enough for her. So thanks for not being a dick when we had plans and didn't invite you.

    I wanted to give you some tips about her that no one knows. Making her happy is now your job buddy even if you guys break up. You are a person to have for the rest of life.

    Don't ever tell her she can't do anything because then she will fo it just to prove you wrong.

    She loves Sunflowers. Like adores them to the point that if she could get a tattoo it would be a sunflower." I could hear his giggles in my head as I read through the letter.

    "She loves chocolate-milk chocolate from Pops so when she's mad at you or on her period those work like a charm.

    If she ever gets mad she'll go to this place at the lake close to a cabin up north, second pier on the left. She'll try to fight you and say for you to get out but if she's not mad at you. Well... hold her, she'll let you and when she's ready to talk she will. She just has to know that you'll love her no matter what.

    She's suffered enough in this life she deserves to be happy and have all the things she's ever wanted.

    Take care of yourself and of her man. She deserves the world and so much more.

    Your friend
    Shawn Peter Raul Mendes."

    By the time I am done with the letter tears are running freely out of me. How many did he leave behind? 'Why did he leave?!' That was a constant question that was playing in my head for months now. Why in the hell did he leave instead of telling me the truth and letting me decide if he was the right choice or not?

    Jake walks up to me looking in my eyes. He takes the letter out of my hands, hooks his finger underneath my chin and gently lifts up so I can look at him.

    "You okay?" Jake asked kindly.

    "I don't know." I shrugged and exhaled a breath. Jake wrapped his arms around me and held me for a long time.

    Later in my bed I looked up the article. Shawn seemed sad even though he had a bunch of people around them and even his dad was there patting him on the back. My blood boiled when I saw three girls in back looking over at him like he was a piece of meat. I closed shut my laptop and went to bed.

    How I'm going to survive without you?

Author's Note

Sup loves! How are you guys doing? Good I hope.

Well you know the drill already. Don't forget to vote, comment, and share.

xoxo Love Ana xoxo