Without The Force ~Obi-Wan Kenobi x Reader~

18- The other 'l' word

Eventually, he got better. Slowly, he managed to sit and talk and stay awake for longer. You spent  every minute with him, eager for him to recover so you could finally, finally, return to normal. It's been so difficult without him, in ways you couldn't fathom before you had them ripped away from you.

Before, you had spent your time with him, especially inside the temple, where the people were unfamiliar and the corridors were all too similar. Evenings were spent drinking tea and silently reading books, only speaking to comment on the stories you were reading. Obi-Wan would often get carried away with his stories, and you wouldn't return to your room until night had long since fallen. He would shower, steam flooding from the refresher door when he returned, fogging up the room as he retired to his sofa and bid you goodnight.

You still didn't sleep too well, so you would instead lay there, while the steam dissipated, watching the rise and fall of his chest and wishing so desperately that you could be laying with him. His arms around you, chest rising and touching against your back as you curled up and allowed yourself to finally feel safe.

However, your dreams were yet to come true. Even after his recovery was relatively complete, he still seemed distant from you- more so than usual. He took his meals separately , and spent much of his time in the communication room, which you were banned from entering unless specifically requested. You spent your time in your room now, alone. Clinging to the scent of him in the bed, which had grown stronger from the prolonged time he had spent in there. You didn't sleep, only laid there. Wishing and wanting for him to return and finally give you everything you wanted.

Eventually, dreaming wasn't enough. You craved something more, something to do that wasn't just moping about. You wandered if there wasn't anything in the room that could provide you with some answers, something that you could use to calm your mind and satisfy your desperate need for him. You looked under the bed, finding nothing more than a little dust and a few books that looked worn and forgotten. Upon opening them, you saw they were borrowed from the library and severely overdue. You put them back and crawled back out from underneath the bed, coughing slightly.

Then you checked the wardrobe, pulling it open and finding nothing more than robes. All cream and plain and exactly the same as the ones he wore. On the bottom of the wardrobe in a bag were the secondhand robes you had bought together in the depths. You smiled, not knowing that he would've kept them. The bag looked out of place in the formal, exact line of clothing. Leaving it where it sat, you sifted through the robes, feeling the fabric greedily, imagining his warmth beneath them. After the robes were the cloaks, once again brown and identical.

That was it really, however the last two cloaks were slightly different, almost unnoticeable. One was smaller than the rest, not by a lot but enough to show that it wasn't Obi-Wan's. The next was bigger, and a few shades darker. You picked the two of them out, feeling the aged, stiff fabric that had clearly gone unwashed and unloved for years now. You sat on the floor, with the cloaks on your lap, wandering who these belonged to, and why they now sat in Obi-Wan's wardrobe. Were they his? Were they someone else's? Why were they here?

~~~~~~~~

After what may have been minutes or may have been hours, Obi-Wan entered the room and found you silently sat there, with two cloaks in your arms. He recognised them immediately and snatched them away from
you without hesitation, chest tight as he tried to shove them back into his wardrobe.

"Master Obi-Wan?"

"Don't touch those!" He says, failing to put the garments away, they slip from his anxious grasp and fall back onto your lap.

He falls to his knees, clutching at the fabric and watching your face grow more and more confused.

"I'm sorry Master Obi-Wan, did I do something wrong?"

"These aren't yours, why do you have them?" He's still holding the cloaks, but his grip is weaker.

"I-I was just looking-" You looked away, "I'm sorry."

He didn't say anything, just lifted the cloaks to his chest and cradled them.

"Are they yours?"

"The smaller one is, the other one is Qui-Gon's"

"Your old master? He must have been tall."

Obi-Wan smiled , "He was."

"Tell me about him."

Obi-Wan hesitated, eyes distant as if they weren't from this time. He didn't look at you, instead looking down at the cloaks and running his hands over them.

"Jedi are taken in from a very early age. I barely remember my parents, but I remember Qui-Gon. He was like a father to me, he was the closest thing I had to family."

"What was he like?"

"He was brave, and wise, he was everything i aspire to be. When we found Anakin on Tatooine, he wad the one who decided to take him in. I wanted to leave him, but Qui-Gon didn't. Every-time I see Anakin, I remember how I wanted to abandon him."

He pauses for a moment, shifting closer towards you, allowing you to snuggle against his form, "I'm glad I didn't in the end, Anakin and I are like family. Of course, for that to happen Qui-Gon made his dying wish for me to train him."

"I didn't want to, but he was lying there, and I couldn't say no to him. I was so angry, and devastated- Qui-Gon didn't even say anything about me as he died, he could only talk about Anakin; Anakin was the last thing he thought about- not me."

"I'm sure he thinks about you in death," You looked up, red pulled at Obi-Wan's cheeks, splotchy and raw. Tears were streaming down his face, hands gripping at the fabric like he was going to tear them apart. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this, it's much too depressing."

"I want to hear. How did you deal with it, then?"

"I trained Anakin, I had to."

"That's it? What about grieving?"

"There wasn't time. We held his funeral and then we moved on, there wasn't time to stop and mourn him, grieving is ultimately pointless."

"You never cried for him? Mourned his life? Celebrated all that he did?"

"The Jedi Council were too busy. Y/N, I don't think you realise-"

"No, I think it's you that doesn't realise. He was your friend, who cares what the council says? You have every right to be sad."

"He was more than a friend- he was a father to me. They take padawans at a very early age, I barely remember my parents, I grew up with masters instead."

You shifted closer, feeling the roughness of his beard scratching at your temple. He dropped the cloaks to hold you instead, letting them pool to the floor as his arms wound around you tightly.

"Cry now, Obi-Wan. I know you are already, it's alright, everything will be alright."

He didn't say anything, only rested his head on yours and muffled his broken sobs with your body. The hands holding you trembled, the voice you had heard laugh so often could do nothing more than sputter out desperate pleas. You cried with him, feeling the warmth of his body, the vibrations from his sobs echoing through you like waves in a pond.

"Obi-Wan, there's something I need to tell you..."

"Shhh, it's ok, it can wait."

"No, Obi-Wan, it can't."

He sniffed, "What is it?"

"I- I... I lo-" 

"No, no, Y/N, don't say that"

"Say what?"

"What you were going to say. Don't say it to make me feel better, say it later- when you truly mean it. When no other words can be spoken, say it then."

A/N: I'm so sorry for the late update! I've been kind of overwhelmed with school work and I promise it won't happen again (hopefully!) xx