Evolution Of Everything

THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT MAKES ME FEEL

I can't listen to "Jar Of Hearts" without thinking of all the times I sang it, broken-hearted and defiant, alone in my room in the basement in the middle of the night. I can't forget how I felt back then, how much I hoped he'd hear me. How I simultaneously wanted him to know I was singing to him and how much I feared that he would. I can't stop thinking about how those lyrics healed me. How the cold air brushed my skin through my frosty window as I sat in the windowsill, and stared at the moon, all the while imagining myself where I am now; stronger, braver, and better than I was then. Every time I hear that song I am filled with a looming sadness, the stabbing pain of loss, and a lingering sense of pride that I made it, and I was right the whole time. 

Whenever I hear Mike Posner's "Cooler Than Me" or Taio Cruz's "Dynamite" I am instantly thrown back to the good ole days. Back to the hours-long road trips to great grandmas farm for birthdays, or to my aunt's house to visit my grandparents. I am reminded of the feeling of the cheap plastic sunglasses with Lightning McQueen on them that I used to wear, and how cocky and cool I used to feel singing the lyrics with them on. I can remember the way I used to stick any part of my body I could out of the window, head, arms, hands or feet, just so that I could feel the violent pressure of the wind whipping past the car. I can never forget how warm those days felt, how rosy I saw the world through those cheap red sunglasses, how thrilling the experience of wonder and joy could be as a child. Whenever I hear those songs, I find myself bouncing between waves of nostalgia, and the insistent, ever-present thrum of joy it gives off, and heartache, as I am reminded of the loss of what it meant to truly have a childlike innocence and joy.