Winning Hurricane

XLI- Tachycardia

"Here,"

Ansel handed me the beer-in-can while holding a glass of milk on her other hand before she settled beside me. Agad akong pumunta dito as soon as natapos ang shift ko. I told her what happened earlier, including the part where Miguel asked me out before he.. I heaved a sigh. She was too shocked tho nang malaman niya kanina.

Tonight's too much.

"So?" she asked.

"What 'so'?"

She rolled her eyes, "So how are you? I mean, after seven long years nag-kita ulit kayo."

I sipped on my beer as I looked up at the sky, mindlessly staring at the sea of bright balls of gas. It's like this huge celestial body was made to remind humans that even in our darkest moments, we are not truly alone.

"Normal," I replied after a while.

I was really confused earlier, I mean, after seven long years I met him again then there's these voices in my head telling me 'oh, you missed him!' and seeing him with Barb there's a part in me saying 'It's still painful.' But those are lies..

Sometimes, our mind plays game with us so it is very important to know what we really want in our life.

After contemplating with everything that had happened, the thought of missing everything about him is normal, pero hanggang doon nalang yon. The love I have for him was long gone now. I don't want him anymore. That's for sure.

There's no hope surging inside me na 'maybe this time will be right'. Whatever happened in the past, it's all in the past.

Truthfully, it took me so long to move-on but I did. Hindi porke ako ang kumalas, naging madali sakin lahat. There were nights before na gusto ko siyang balikan o kausapin, gusto ko siyang makita. Gusto kong malaman kung mahal pa niya ako, na gusto kong malaman kung nakakasama padin ba niya si Barb, gustong gusto ko marinig ang boses niya.. and it was really a struggle to just accept that I ended everything. Na tapos na. Na hindi na pede kasi sarili ko ang pinili ko. There were nights I questioned myself if I did the wrong choice of letting him go. And most of those lonely empty nights, tells me I did. Pero kailangan kong panindigan ang desisyon ko.

Now, I learned to completely forgive him and myself, and it was the hardest part.

It took me years because the love I had for him was one of the purest I felt and give. It was the kind that I wouldn't dare compare to anyone else. It was the love I'd always remember in my lifetime, because what I had with him was days filled with joy. It was my home.

Maybe that's how 'one great love' works.

So maybe that's the answer why I felt the ache inside earlier kahit sobrang dami ng taon na lumipas.. because what we had was real. And it won't die.

But what like I said, hanggang doon nalang yon.

I am happy with my life now. And I pray he's happier.

"What did he say?"

I glanced at her before looking back at the stars. "His friend just died. Two in coma, one's unstable, I don't think gagana ang utak niya para kausapin ako."

"Oh. I'm really sorry for him and for Miguel."

"Yeah. Can you believe it? After seven years, first time ko lamang ulit pumayag sa lalaki na lumabas but then he died even before ako makapag-ayos to meet him."

Narinig kong napatawa si Ansel pero agad din siyang napailing, gesturing sorry. "Oh guard, sorry, I know it's bad. Hindi ko lang mapigilan! Fate's too cruel on your side."