Winning Hurricane

XXVI- Angina Pectoris

"I want to fall in love." Charlie smiled as she hugged the throw pillow tightly. We're watching a romcom movie right now. "Like, how does it feel?" she excitedly asked before facing me.

"Uh.."

"I mean, yong tinginan? Yong kilig? How does it feel when your man holds your hand tightly? Totoo ba ang butterfly in our belly? Slow motion?"

I watched how curious she is, there's also a hint of sadness in her eyes. Hindi ko tuloy mapigilan hindi malungkot sa mga tanong niya. She's so young.. ang dami pa niyang gustong maranasan but cancer happened.

Last week, we were told na kumalat na ang cancer sa katawan niya. Charlie refused to undergo chemotherapy or any treatment. Mas pinili niya na dito na lamang sa bahay and spent her remaining months here. Walang makapilit samin sa kanya na magpagamot sa hospital.

I feel bad.. she needs us, pero wala kami lagi. All of us were always so busy sa hospital and school instead of spending our time with her. Si Lola at Chad lamang lagi ang nakakasama niya.

Looking at her.. I wanted to give up med school.. pansamantala lamang naman, I want to be with my sister more. I wanted to be there for her kapag nanghihina siya o gusto niyang umiyak, I wanted to be the ate she deserves to have..Pero kapag nalaman niya ang plan ko for sure sasama lamang ang loob niya sakin.

"If you want to experience it, you should undergo treatments first." I told her softly, hoping I can convince her.

Ngumiti siya sakin bago muling humarap sa TV. "Nah, just tell me stories.. I have great imagination naman." She tried sounding so cheerful, maybe to convince me she's okay with everything.. "So, is falling in love easy?"

I smiled as Hurricane's smiling face flashed in my mind. Parang magic na naririnig ko sa utak ko ang boses niya. "Falling in love.. it was easy but kinda hard to accept."

"Why? Kasi nakakatakot?"

"That's one.."

"There's another reason?"

I nodded slowly, "When you fall for someone you never imagined loving in this lifetime."

"But it was a happy feeling, right?"

Ngumiti ako sa kapatid ko bago muling humarap sa pinapanood namin. "Love isn't just a feeling." I don't know how to explain it to her, I am not really good with formulating my words.. but one thing I can say to her, "Feelings fade.. love isn't. That's why true love is very rare, I guess, because staying in love was a challenge and people give up easily."

"Are you like those people?"

I cleared my throat, thinking of my relationship with Hurricane. Hindi ko alam kung paano sagutin si Charlie. My experience with Jonas was different, we both wanted to let go.. but with Hurricane, I don't know. Ayokong dumating kami sa point na kailangan ko mamili kung magi-stay pa ba ako sa relasyon o bibitaw na.

Dahil oo, wala akong plano sa mga relasyon, pero nang pinasok ko tong sa amin ni Cane.. alam ko sa sarili kong ayoko ng matapos ang meron samin. Ayokong may susuko.

"I don't know." I smiled at her.

Binalik niya ang mga ngiti ko, mas malawak. "Ate.. you're thinking of someone right now, no?"

My face returned to its passive state as I gaze at her. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, gosh si Charlie palang to! Pero kasi.. hindi ko pa nasasabe sa kanila na may boyfriend na ako.

"You should sleep na, Charlie. It's already eight."

"Omg! You're shifting the topic, don't tell me you're in-love?!" this time, mas na-excite siya. Her eyes were glimmering.. my heart melt at the sight of my sister being happy because I am now having a progress in life.