Winning Hurricane

XLV- Ampakines

 "Good morning, ma'am! Para po ba sa baby niyo?" the saleslady asked with a wide smile.

I am currently inside the Kids section sa mall to buy Cy's son a gift para mamaya. Literal na ngayon lamang talaga ang free time ko kaya ngayon lamang din ako bibili.

It's really kinda weird for me everytime na papasok ako dito para bilhan ng damit o laruan ang anak ng mga katrabaho o kaibigan ko. People were always asking me if para ba sa baby ko.. and somehow that question alone brought a different kind of pang . Like, I am really okay living alone, being alone and single.. walang kaso sakin yon.. but sometimes kada hahawak ako ng mga baby stuff hindi ko mapigilan hindi malungkot.

Like, something's not right in me. I can't help but think, kailan kaya ako? Kailan kaya na bibili ako ng mga pambatang bagay and this time para sa sariling anak ko na talaga?

I really hate entering kids section. Sobrang nakaka trigger ng vulnerability. Iniisip ko na lamang na mahal ang gatas. Mahal ang diaper. Magastos at maingay ang mga bata. Wala akong oras.

It's just.. everyone I knew has a family waiting for them at home, kids welcoming them with a hug.. and me? I go home with only darkness to greet me.

"No, uh, for my inaanak. It's his birthday today." I politely answered.

"Pang-ilan taon po ba?"

"One."

The saleslady guide me sa pwede kong iregalo na damit. Kinuha ko pa ang phone ko at pinakita ang picture ng baby ni Cy dahil hindi ako sure gaano na kalaki ang anak niya in person.

"Chandy?" napalingon ako sa babaeng tumawag.

My lips partly opened nang makita si Barbara.. wow, gaano ba kaliit ang mundo ngayon?

Tipid ko siyang nginitian. She's more beautiful now, I must say. Mas nag-mature na yong hitsura niya add the fact na she really looks professional in her suit.

"Hi! It's been so long, what are you doing here?" she asked..

Like nothing happened years ago..

Like she didn't cheat with my ex boyfriend..

Like she didn't ruin a relationship..

I blinked as I heaved a sigh. "Shopping." I simply answered. Napatango naman siya, nakangiti pero para bang nananantsya. Tatalikod na sana ako nang tawagin niya ulit ang pangalan ko. 

"Uh.. can we have some coffee?"

I smiled, "The last man who asked me for coffee died." I shrugged.

Nanlaki yong mata niya bago napatawa. "Oh! It's Miguel, right? Our barkada very well knew his plans that day." Pagke kwento niya ng naiiling.

Hindi ako sumagot.

"So, do you have time?"

Pano ba ako tatanggi sa taong ayoko nang makita kahit kailan? Napatawad ko naman na siya.. she just loved too, pero may mga tao lamang talaga na kahit gano katagal na.. hindi mo na gugustuhin pa na makita o makausap ulit.

"Sige na, it's been like seven years right?" she tried again. 

I heaved another sigh.

**

I was sitting inside the exact coffee shop kung saan kami huling nag-kita dati.

But today, she seems more free and happy..

"Buti nalang naisipan ko muna mag-shopping din kanina." She started when our orders arrived.

Hindi ako umimik because I really felt the opposite of what she's feeling. Hindi ko din alam bakit ako pumayag na sumama dito.