Evil....Maybe Not

One Step At A time

Deku's POV:

I woke up the next morning wrapped in Kaachan's arms. I don't remember much of what happened last night, but I'm pretty sure I did something stupid. I took a deep breath of his calming pheromones that were being emitted and then exhaled it all out again. I need to figure this out.

*thinking to himself*

Okay, Deku, you have a family that you need to be there for and take care of. First things first, what have I been questioning after everything that has happened to me? Am I being dramatic? Let's look at the big picture—you went through. No, I am not being dramatic because what happened is not something that any normal being should have to go through. It is violating and gross, and I have every right to be upset. But should I be closing myself off like this? No, I shouldn't be because my husband has been trying to help me, and I haven't been letting him. I should start by telling him the things I'm thinking instead of assuming he won't understand.

Next, I black out during those episodes that feel like being sent back into a memory. What do I do and how do I solve it? Maybe I should attempt to embrace what happened and come to terms with it because that situation isn't just a memory—it's a part of me now. I have a family now, and I need to be there. I can't just lay around and lick my wounds like a puppy. I've been doing it for far too long. The anxiety that I feel when Kaachan leaves me most likely won't ever leave me, but it can get better, especially with Izumi here. I'm sure I can do this. I have to.

I ended up mumbling to myself for a good 30 minutes and woke up Kaachan. "So, you want to talk about all of this finally?" Shit, was he awake the whole time? I was hoping to bring it up later today, but I guess it's now or never. "Yes, but just know that I'm just not really mentally there for it." He gave me a nod and a small back rub. His large warm hand calmed me a bit, and I started rambling about how I have been feeling. Kaachan listened without interrupting and hummed as I talked. I explained everything I had been thinking and how I was planning to solve it, but I needed his help. "I'm always here to help you. I never stopped." I smiled and continued.

Soon after I finished, I heard a small knock at the door. "Papa?" Although she is a lot like Kaachan, she does have very good manners. "Come in!" She pattered her bare feet on the hardwood floors over to Kaachan and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. "Glad you are home, Dada!" He chuckled and leaned over to ruffle her hair. She stopped him. "No messing my hair up!" "You're a little feisty one in the morning, aren't you?" He got up and chased after the little girl. "No head pats equals no movie night with Dada!" She gave a small, dramatic gasp. "You wouldn't dare!" Kaachan crossed his arms. "I would!" The two bantered but somehow ended up making breakfast in the midst of it. Cheerfully, they called me over and presented me with a plate of eggs and bacon. "Why, thank you!" I smiled back and ate with my family. I can't miss out on small things like this.

*time skip to tomorrow morning 🕑

I woke up early, ready to fix my head because there's definitely something wrong with it. I got one step done: tell Kaachan. That's a big leap in the right direction; now I just need to jump. I need to find a way to come to terms with what happened. It was a while ago and it left me shattered. Even though I wasn't fully raped, it's the feeling of that guy touching me and the words he said that haunt me. The situation altogether I can easily talk about because I've been able to embrace that it's now a part of me.

I started writing things down. I put a date and where certain things happened to me. Each page was for its own event in the order of my life. I sat there for hours until I was able to get to the present day. The notebook was almost filled up, which is perfect. I concluded it with me growing old and my daughter extending the family line, passing on everything with this. I looked at the book with content. It feels better to sort out my thoughts, organized and be able to see it all.