Hikikomori (ひきこもり)

3.

chapter three

BONNIE

My body lay numb on my small single bed, breath in sync with the slow pace of the music. My eyes were wide open, taking long pauses between each blink, not wanting to be trapped in my own dark-ness. My arms and legs were sealed besides me. Fingers gripping on my black and white duvet. It was a tight grib. I could feel my knuckles losing colour as my girb failled to release. I've been like this ever since the funeral, laying helplessly on my bed, lights on, and music playing fairly in the background. I was weak. My mother had perished right infornt of me and I had never felt so vulnerable in my life. I keep telling myself its okay, people lose their mums all the time and sometimes even worst. That I should get up and move on with my life. That I should stop being so selfish and relise that she wasnt only my mother but little Timothy's too and right now what he needs isnt a group of strangers cuddling him and flodding his head with lies about his mothers where-abouts but instead his older sister. I should be with him comforting him, looking after him, being HIS sister but i just can't find the strength too. All i can do is lock myself up in my room, gripping my sheets, craving the feel of pain to strike my hands in hope of feeling something. Anything. Despite it only being '6 days im tired. Tired of being broken. Tired of not having any control over my life. Trapped in my own shell of grief, with only the thought of getting out, but no strength.

***

A knock on the door, tore me away from my trance. Usually I kept my door locked but I had forgotten to lock it last night so despite my concent the person could still enter anyway, so I remained silent. I had a gathering of breath on the other side of the door before the handle began to dip down, and the door slowly crawling open, showing a young women with bright blonde hair and blue eyes. My aunt Jenna. A pityful smile was placed on her face and she slowly inched forward towards my bed, eyes never breaking contact with mine. I quickly brought my attention to her hands and sighed in relif when i saw they were empty. For the past week she's been trying to force feed me food, and ive managed to resist. It wasnt as if I wasnt grateful for the food, I just felt so numb. So weak. I had a empty hole in the pit of my stomach which food couldnt fix. So why waste what little strength I had on it I didnt want to eat, I didnt want to move and I just wish everyone could respect my choice, even if it was harming me.

My bed sunk as she took a seat at the foot of my bed. We sat in silence for a while, before she began to speak up.

"Hey," she spoke in a hushed voice

"Hi," I returned. This was the first time ive spoken in 6 days and my voice was deep and rusty, and my throat ached abit but who could i blame besides myself. I saw my aunt jenna's eyes light up as I spoke, happy to finally get a reaction out of my, like with the food, she has been trying to get a word out me all week.

"How are you?!," she spoke once a again but this time in a less hushed tone.

My mother just passed away and shes asking me "How I am?" what am I suppose to respond. Good ? OKay ?. what ive learned since my mother died is that when people ask you how you are they dont really care, they expect you to say "fine" or "good" so they can continue with their own lives. Why waste your troubles on them. When everyone is fighting troubles. I've found myself thinking, asking myself, what makes your troubles more important than anyone elses?. Nothing. People only ask to seem like they care, and you return by telling them what they want to hear.

"Fine," I said blankly. Telling her obviously what she wanted to hear.

"Bonnie," Aunt Jenna started.

"You've just lost your mother, there is no way you are fine, dont lie to me Bonnie, just tell me how you are, how do you feel ?!" she pleaded.

I closed my eyes before taking a deep breath in.

"Empty," I spoke quietly.

" I feel like I've lost a part of myself. We've never been the closest but she's my mother you know and I love her.," I paused to take a breath.

"I felt as if she always hated me. Everything I did always seemed wrong in her eyes. I thought about running away so many times, but she's my mother you know. The only family I've had besides Timothy my whole life. She's been everything for me. A mother and a father and I could never be any less than grateful to her. And I just. J-just miss her so much ," I spoke with my head down.

I didn't realise I was crying until I felt myself being pulled forward into my aunt Jenna's arms. I sat their, head in her arms, as she rocked me back and forth ,whispering sweet words into my ear.

A while past before I felt all emptied out. It felt good to cry. To let it all out. I felt a bit more free if I may. Like a heavy rock has just been risen of my shoulders and I could finally just be me again.

"Bonnie," aunt Jenna spoke.

"Yes," I mumbled with my head still in her warm embrace.

"Well umm ," she stuttered.

" I don't know how to say this," she chuckled, but I stayed quiet still captured in her embrace.

" you and tim can't stay by yourself. And well everyone in the family decided it would be best for you to come with me... In New York," she spoke with hope in her eyes.

I rose my head from her chest, eyes instantly meeting hers. So soon. My mother had just died and my family are already shipping me about. I didn't know how to feel.

"Bonnie," Jenna whispered

"You want me to go to New York," I struggled to whisper.

"Yes. But if you don't want to go I promise I won't force you, we just want what's best for you, I know it's so sudden and scary but," she rambled on trying to convince me.

"It's okay," I interrupted her.

"I-I want to go," I spoke surprising both her and myself.

"That's AMAZING," she shrieked.

"I have to go make some calls, and plan everything," she cried scurrying out the room leaving me to myself.

New York. So far away. Saying goodbye to everyone I know. I barely had any friends but to have to start again. Leaving my mothers body behind. Can I really do this ?.