Hikikomori (ひきこもり)

2

chapter two 

BONNIE

1 month Later

Its a month since my mother died, people have been constantly telling me how sorry they are and how she was a good woman. I know they're only trying to comfort me, but they don't know how it feels to live everyday with this burning hole in your chest. Its like a reminder of her. Everything reminds me of her. The rain, would remind me of her grey eyes that welled with tears. The lightening that came with it, reminded me of the ringing of her pulse drumming in my ears. My hands are curled onto the knife, I gently put the tip of the metal on the tender parts of my wrists which has recovered. I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I tug the blade deep into the fresh skin, I feel a sharp pain I'm used to now. I release a breath, feeling another kind of pain relieves me. The burning in my chest softens a little, and for once in the past few weeks I feel like I can finally breath. People asked me how i've managed to deal with this, I guess I dealt with it through pain.

***

The church is filled with familiar faces, almost everyone from our little town is here. My mother was a well known women. People greet me with sympathetic smiles and "I'm sorry for your loss" I don't do much but nod. Thats the only thing pulling me from bursting into tears. This has been the first time I left my room in weeks, it feels strange in this room with all these people attention on me. I've never been the one to stand out from the crowd. When I'm done greeting people, which seems to be a while. I finally take a seat in the front row, I tried diverting my eyes from the coffin, but now it seems impossible.

I hear footsteps approach me and look up to see blonde locks and blue eyes. Niall. My best friend. He gives me a warm smile, and I use all my strength to give one back.

"Hey, Bon" He says lightly.

I search for any type of sympathy in his face but theres none. I manage a smile.

"Hey Niall"

He takes a seat next to me.

"I was going to ask if your okay but I know your not." He says.

I nod and look down on my trembling hands.

"Bon, I know you must be going through a rough time. But time will heal." Time will heal.

I sigh, and manage to look at him again without feeling the guilt of breaking his heart once. His eyebrows furrows and his face frowns as his eyes stare at my wrists. Reflexively I pull my black cardigan over my hands. But I feel his hands curled onto the edge of my cardigan and slowly pulls it down. My scabbed skin reveals, the bright red marks deeply slitted. I close my eyes avoiding eye contact.

"What the hell bon" He hushes.

He lets go and I quickly push it back, looking around if anyone saw.

"Nia-" He interrupted.

"Bonnie, this isn't the way to handle this." Disappointment showing in his features.

I snap. "Well, how else am I suppose to Niall? You go through your mum dying, You go through- I'm crying now. You go through living everyday-" My voice cracks and he hugs me tightly.

"Shush, shush its okay." He repeats and I cry onto his shirt.

The smell of cotton fills my nose, and my heart pounds against my ribcage. The doors of the church creaks, I lift my head stuggling to see through my tears as I watch a wave of curls leave the church.