Liberosis (A Marauders Era Fanfiction)

Nine

We get to the house and I tell everyone I want to be alone. I go to the balcony and sit on the edge of it. I stare into space and then break down. Remus comes up behind me.

"Hey hey it's okay El" he says touching my shoulder. I push his hand off.

"No it's not why does everyone keep saying that its not fucking okay. I just watched my brother my other half be buried in the fucking ground nothing is okay" I shout standing up.

"But it will be we will get through this-" Remus starts.

"But he won't he didn't why should we get to be okay why should we get to live" I scream out.

"Because he would want us to-" Remus says.

"Well he's not here he can't tell us what he would want you know what I want I want him here and I don't get that so he doesn't get us being okay" I say my voice shaking.

"Well you don't have to be okay you can be upset you can be angry you can be heartbroken but you have to get through this" he says but I'm not really listening.

"You know what else I want, I want to leap off this fucking balcony and let death take me like it keeps doing to everyone I love" I say quietly eyeing the edge. He reaches out quickly and grabs me to pull me away from the edge but I slap his hand away.

"You aren't thinking straight lets go inside" he says frantically.

"Of course I'm not thinking straight and I don't want to go inside" I say "I'm not going to kill myself though that would be stupid" I say still eyeing the edge.

"Yes very stupid now will you please come away from the edge" he says.

"Why" I say hopping up on it to sit facing him.

"What does it matter it's not like I have a whole lot to live for" I say laughing.

"What about the rest of the people that love you huh what about us" he says moving closer to me.

"You guys would be okay right that's what happens when people die you get okay you get through it" I say nodding.

"That's not what I meant we are all devastated I mean look at you this isn't okay we have to try and prevent more death not cause it" he says.

"I already told you I'm not gonna jump I'm a Gryffindor we don't do that we may be reckless but we are brave we face life head on although reckless is appealing to me a bit more currently" I say smiling.

"Brave doesn't mean reckless now come on get off of the ledge you're scaring me" he says.

"Some Gryffindor come on live a little at least we can" I say letting go of the edge. I start to tip a little and he rushes forward to catch me. I die laughing.

"See you need to get down" he says.

"Fine" I say and hop down.

"Don't you care about what happens to you" he says.

"Not really not anymore" I say running my hand along the banister.

"Doesn't it matter to you that I do that we all do" he asks. I laugh a little.

"Nothing matters" I say.

"You don't mean that" he says shaking his head.

"Don't you get it my mom died when I was six years old, now my twin is dead, my father is always at work I basically have no family" I say.

"We are your family me and the boys" he says.

"Some family James didn't even want to come to the funeral, Sirius has barely shown any emotion sense it happened it's like he doesn't even care, and you only care because you want to get in my pants" I say. He stops for a moment stunned.

"That's not true" he says.

"Isn't it" I say looking right in his eyes.

"I love you" he says his eyes watering.

"I don't love me" I say quietly.

"Don't say that" he says trying to grab my hand. I pull it back.

"It's my fault" I say.

"No it's not" he says.

"It is though I invited someone into our house knowing that he was being recruited by death eaters knowing that he betrayed them it's not his fault he was in that situation but I brought him into my house that's my fault I could have gone to the ministry and had him put into a protection program or something I didn't have to put my entire family at risk by inviting him in" I say.

"How could you have known" he asks.

"He warned me he said it was dangerous that they would come for him I said it didn't matter that we would all be there ready to fight for him, I left Ollie there alone I should have at least been there" I say.

"If you were there you would be dead too" he says.

"I WISH I WERE" I shout sobbing. "At least then I would be with him" I say.

"This isn't you, you need to get some sleep" he says.

"No I think I'm gonna go out" I say.

"It's late El" he says.

"So, I'm going I need a drink" I say walking past him into the loft and to my room to change.

"I'll come with you" he says.

"I'm going alone" I reply grabbing some clothes.

"In that no El it's not safe" he says looking at the revealing outfit I chose.

"I don't care and how am I supposed to get into a bar or party if I'm dressed like a child" I say unzipping my dress and starting to pull it off. His eyes get wide and he turns around. I roll my eyes.

"El please just let me come with you or at least take someone else" he says.

"Fine I'll take Sirius he won't tell me what to do and he'll let me get drunk" I say going to his room and walking in he is sitting on his bed listening to music, he turns it down and looks at me.

"Where are you going" he asks looking at me then over at Remus in concern.

"Me and you are going to get drunk come on get dressed we can take your bike" I say.

"I don't think that's such a good idea love" he says grabbing my hand.

"Fine I'll go alone" I say and storm out before either of them can stop me.

Authors Note- Again please don't hate on characters for how they grieve. You will probably get mad at El a lot but just remember she doesn't mean to hurt people she's just really broken right now.