Not gonna lie..i haven't been on here in a while. 3 years to be exact. I guess I just needed to do this to let out something that i cant on my social media. Honestly..i been hurting so bad lately yet nobody seems to understand. Ill make jokes around my friends and laugh, and they laugh too cus they think im joking but im really not. At this point in my life..its been hard. Things haven't even gotten better for me, its more of the fact that i have gotten used to it. Im so tired man. Im so tired of crying at night in my pillow to muffle the sounds. Im tired of falling asleep with my pillow soaked with tears. Im tired of smiling when im crying,screaming on inside. Im tired of laughing off things that i know are hurting me just because i dont want to be lonely in a silent world. My mom sees me daily smiling,laughing, acting as if im the happiest person in the world but she doesnt see me behind my door at night. With this quarantine stuff, it has given me so much more time to think about my life and it has taken my mental health from a low to the bottom of an everlasting pit. There are random moments in my day that ill be laughing with friends and then the next moment my vision gets completely blurry, i feel sick to my stomach and i end up having a panic attack. I just hate how everything is. I just wanna be happy. I dont wanna die but i want the pain to stop. I want to go back to being truly happy but I havent been since I was 5 years old cus stuff started from there. Im trying to hold on for my mom but at this point, im hanging off the cliff and only one hand in supporting me
