Exposed Truth | Jeon Jungkook

Chapter 18

Jungkook || Wednesday, June 17

I don't know how to act in front of Nari; every time I look at her, I feel so ashamed and afraid. I'm afraid of catching feelings for her, but I fear hurting her with these feelings. I try to ignore her and focus on other things whilst Jimin and Lisa are here, but it's hard. No matter how much I want to look at her and smile, I try to keep a poker face the entire time. I don't want to act this way with her, but I have to in order to keep my feelings in check. I don't want there to be any more misunderstandings between us.

It's been a couple of minutes since Jimin and Lisa have left, but I'm still planted on my seat. I tell myself I should leave, but I can't help but stare at Nari. Her soft features alluring me, as she adorably fiddles with her fingers and looks down at her lap whilst biting down on her lower lip. I want to kiss those rosy marshmallow-like lips of hers once again, even though I know I shouldn't. I need to stop getting attracted by her.

The atmosphere around us feels so heavy and the silence is killing me. I want to break the awkwardness by saying something, so I open my mouth, but no words come out of it. I feel like a coward.

She sighs and stands up, but I grab onto her wrist to stop her before she can walk past me. She stops as soon as I touch her. I stand up so we're facing each other, but I'm slightly towering over her.

"What is it?" she says nonchalantly.

We're standing so close to each other; too close. Her head is only a couple inches away from my chest, I'm almost certain that she can hear the nervous beating of my heart. I study her features for a while, with my grasp still on her wrist. She doesn't look at me and stares at her feet. She looks so calm. I sigh and scratch the back of my head anxiously when she flings her hand away from my hold and takes a step back.

"I'm sorry," I say softly.

She doesn't look at me and remains quiet for a while, before sighing and saying, "I know... but saying sorry doesn't change things."

"I promise I will be more careful from now on," I tell her. "I'll keep my distance and I promise I won't let myself kiss you again."

She keeps an indifferent expression on her face and nods slowly, but I know her too well. She's upset with me. She can't hide her emotions from me. Even when we were kids, I could always tell if she was feeling down. No matter how hard she tries to remain composed, she'll have this certain glint in her eyes that reveals her true emotions.

"Talk to me," I say and lift her chin up gently.

She furrows her brows and looks at me. Her eyes looking directly into mine confusedly. Even when I retreat my hand from her chin, she doesn't look away. She slightly tilts her head to one side, as if waiting for me to continue talking.

"You can't fool me," I say. "Stop trying to act so strong and nonchalant. I know you, Nari. We've known each other since we were kids. I know when you're hiding something from me, so tell me."

I notice her cheeks slowly turning pink as she gulps and takes another step away from me. She avoids my gaze, but my eyes never leave her.

"I'm fine," she says simply and turns her back to me.

"No, you're not," I insist and I try to grab onto her arm, but she moves before my fingers can graze her skin.

"Please stop doing this, Jungkook," she says softly, but even though her back is straightened and she seems so collected, I hear her voice quivering ever so slightly. "Just leave, please. Don't make this any harder for me."

"I just want to talk to you and comfort you... as a friend," I explain and move closer to her. "I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable."

She sighs and turns around to face me abruptly. I'm astonished to see tears running down her face and her body trembling as she stares at me with exasperation visible in her glossy eyes.

"Stop apologising!" she yells as she furiously wipes away her tears. "Just leave me alone, okay?"

I grasp onto her arms and pulls them away from her face, so she can stop rubbing her eyes so harshly and causing them to become even redder. My heart breaks to see her acting this way. Even though hugging her doesn't seem to be the right decision now that she's mad at me, I still do it anyway. I wrap my arms around her shivering body to console her.

"Let me go!" she exclaims repeatedly as she squirms in my strong hold, but I don't let her go no matter how much she protests.

"I'll let you go only after you tell me what's wrong," I say.

"Fine," she says obediently and she stops complaining or moving around in my arms.

I relax my grasp around her petite frame, and she begins to say softly, "I'm not mad at you. I'm just upset. But it's not just you that makes me feel this way. It's the trauma of the accident. I can't get the memories of the fire out of my head. We almost died in there! I can never forget the feelings of panic or the adrenaline rushing through my veins..."

Tears are gushing down her cheeks and she's trembling uncontrollably. I remain quiet and stroke her back to ease her. I feel so guilty because I blacked out and I don't remember much about what happened.

"It was so so frightening... I... I felt so scared... I was prepared to lose my life..." she admits. "I want to forget it all, but I can't... the memories keep haunting my mind..."

She sobs onto my shoulder and I don't think she realises it, but she has her arms wrapped around my torso and I feel her nails digging into my skin as she clenches onto my shirt tightly.

"Shh..." I say as I continue to rub her back gently. "It's all over now. You're safe. I won't let anything like that happen to you again. I promise."

She lets me calm her with my soothing touch as she sobs, and after a while, she continues to say, "Yet what's hurting me even more than the accident, is my feelings I have for you. I don't want to be just someone who helps you get over your relationship with my sister. I don't want to be just a fling or a rebound. I know you love her and I know you miss her, since I do too. I feel so dumb for thinking that you had already moved on from my sister."

I feel even more ashamed and my chest feels so heavy when she tells me those things. I really hoped that she wouldn't think that way. I don't want her to see me as that type of person to treat her in that way. I would never hurt her like that... even though I already have caused her pain by being so mindless and ignorant of the consequences of kissing her. I really want to slap myself for acting like such a foolish jerk who has been playing with her feelings.

"I don't blame you because it was my fault too," she sniffles and says with a quieter voice, that's almost inaudible. "I'll wait for you until you're ready to love someone again. I so badly want that someone to be me because I can't help but feel so attracted to you, but even if that someone isn't me, I'll still be happy for you and I hope we can still be friends... I don't want to lose you."

I chuckle lightly. She's so naive. I hate how she's blaming herself for having feelings for me that I can't return because it's true that I haven't gotten over Yuri yet and I miss her so much. But whenever I'm ready to move on, Nari is the person I want to love and the person I'll want to spend the rest of my life with.

"I've already acted so selfishly... so I can't be any more selfish to make you wait for me. I don't know how long it'll take for me to move on from Yuri," I say as Nari burrows her head into my shoulder. "But I really hope you do because I want to love you. I'm reserving my heart for you. I'm not saying that you're a replacement for Yuri, since you're two different people and I'll love you differently. Yet, I'll be happy for you even if you're tired of waiting or you don't feel the same way or you've found someone else."

She pulls away from my embrace and shakes her head. Her eyes are no longer teary when she looks up into my eyes. Instead, she smiles and I smile back at her on instinct.

"I'll wait," she says. "I don't mind. You're not being selfish because I want to wait for you. I'm doing it out of my own will. I don't want to rush you."

"Thank you," I say with a nod and gently wipe away the excess tears under her eyes with my thumb.