pov- imagines

SECOND CHOICE- B. BARNES

pairings: bucky barnes x natasha romanoff, bucky barnes x reader
warnings: death, angst, insecurity
about: no, you're not his second chance, you're his second choice
a/n: dhakhd i can never write good endings

-

it had been a month. exactly one month since natasha sacrificed herself for the world and you lost your best friend, wondering exactly how much the world meant to you without her in it. without steve, and tony, and loki.

you were convinced it didn't mean all that much for you at the moment, and tried to wave away another flitting thought that it should've been you. because the beautiful souls the world lost were so much more important than yours- at least that's what you told yourself.

you weren't one to bring yourself down, not anymore. it was a long, hard road to get to where you were. happy, secure, not as confident as you would like, but confident. you knew you were important, the face of the little girl you saved once a constant reminder that you were. the giggle of the baby of the woman you had helped off the ledge, and the smile of the ten- year- old boy you saw every morning as you went to get your coffee, the boy that you rescued.

you knew your worth. you simply thought natasha had more. that tony had more, that loki had more (even against horribly popular opinion). so, yes, you wished that you had been the one that jumped off the ledge, the one that snapped their fingers, or the one that was brave enough (and, yes, possibly a little naive) to face thanos with only a blade.

you missed steve, but you understood. even when you didn't, you did, and it brought you a sense of comfort you didn't want.

bucky and natasha started dating long after you began to have feelings for him. you never told natasha, although you doubted anything would've changed if you had. it was cruel fate, truly, seeing your soulmate and the man you loved together. you couldn't even hate his girlfriend, she was the best person you knew. so, you settled being the third wheel, the kiss bucky needed to get back into his senses and realize he loved natasha. the shoulder they both came to when the other wasn't available. the second choice.

you weren't even mad when you realized that was what you were. you understood.

another cruel understanding you didn't want.

bucky was everything. he was the moon and the sun and the stars and the clouds. he was the flowers and the butterflies. he was everything.

but you were nothing, not to him, not compared to natasha.

it was truly a cutthroat realization that you loved him, you felt so stupid. how could you let yourself fall for his smile? his smell and his laugh? the crinkles around his eyes when he was happy? the tears that slid from his face and onto your shirt? how could you ever let yourself fall for the love of your life? correction- the love of your best friend's life.

natasha deserved him. truly, she did, you knew that. he made her happy and she made him, and they both deserved happiness. true, wonderful, blissful happiness that made them high on nothing but each other.

but, god, did it hurt.

the kiss bucky pressed on your lips meant so much more to you than it did him. natasha and him had gotten into an ugly fight, where natasha had gone to get solace from a stranger at the bar, while bucky came to you.