pov- imagines

WATER- SHANGQI

pairings: shangqi x reader
warnings: heavy implications of abuse, clear indications of a past abusive and unhealthy relationship, although with who not specified, ptsd episode, please heed warnings
about: : (DA6) "you just flinched." with shangqi please?
a/n: i didn't specify it was a relationship with a father, but i hope that's okay. sorry it took me so long, i wanted to research before writing because it is a sensitive subject. i hope i did your request justice.

it had been months of blissful laughter and breathless smiles spent with shangqi; weeks' worth of numerous playful complaints from katy, and countless late nights of you both staying up late because the sun bleeding over the shine of the stars had been unnoticeable over the lovesick bubble you two seemed to live in.

however, it had only been a few weeks after you found out you didn't even know the name of the man you were in love with, no matter how many decades you'd known him or how many whispered secrets you had shared in between the pressed kisses to the shell of your ear.

he had assured you everything else was true, that everything you'd ever shared was real, the only lie he'd ever told you was the matter of his family–and, in a failed attempt to soothe you, the other that he didn't have feelings for you, a reference to a conversation from high school you couldn't bother to remember at that moment–and that you could still trust him. from a logical point, you knew he was right; you knew how long you'd known him, but the trust you had had in knowing everything about someone for once had been ripped out of your chest so unfairly, and the scars it left and opened were inevitable and bloody.

you couldn't seem to be logical for a lot of the time after that, obsessively watching the video taken of shangqi at the bus to find some semblance of the man you'd known your entire life in that familiar face but completely unrecognizable interior.

you'd managed to act normal and logical for the most part, smiling at shangqi each time he came home from work and greet him with a happy kiss. most of it wasn't acting–you really did love shangqi, even after the colossal lies he'd told you–and that terrified you. you had completely handed yourself over to him, laying your heart at his feet for him to crush if he felt like it, your trust laying to shatter in his arms.

although you understood why– of course you did; if anyone was to understand, it would be you–you just couldn't get over how stark the difference was between the shangqi that cradled you close to his chest and the one that fought flawlessly in the field, dancing such a deadly game so beautifully, so easily. it scared you how easily he seemed to enter that role. the logical part of you told you that was stupid, because shangqi had been raised to do that, but you couldn't shake it.

you watched the bus boy video as much as you could, desperate in finding something that would tie these two doppelgangers together yet separate them as far as possible, as if they really were two different people with two different lives in two different bodies–and shangqi hadn't lied to you all this time.

but he had, and all you were left with was that cruel realization and the memorized fight on the bus, the ease with which shangqi could hurt someone, anyone–even you–replaying in your mind.

it didn't help that shangqi was now part of the new avengers initiative, meaning he was going on missions and using his apparent abilities regularly now. you had caught glimpses of his skills when you would get dragged along to the avengers compound to see him train, and sometimes even brief glances of him during his missions–something you'd rather not see again, not after experiencing shangqi at his most ruthless, too similar to what you'd prefer to leave in the past.

the consequences came in the form of restless nights from nightmares and remaining wide awake in shangqi's arms, too afraid to meet the unkind darkness of your closed eyes, where you are only left with ugly memories and burning scars, healed bruises feeling new, unfair fear crawling up your spy at the touch of your love's fingertips.