BLACK ON BLACK | TK

Chapter Twelve

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"One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is killing me
And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up
Hold up, hold up

It comes in waves
I close my eyes
Hold my breath
And let it bury me

I'm not okay
And it's not alright
Won't you drag the lake
And bring me home again, home again?

Who will fix me now?
Dive in when I'm drown?
Save me from myself
Don't let me drown."

There wasn't much talking done between them as they walked towards where Jeongguk's motorcycle was parked and there wasn't much talking done when the other helped Taehyung get on it and then put his helmet over his head. Taehyung didn't know what to say—he didn't even know if it was the right moment to say something because they both seemed to be deep into their own thoughts. Jeongguk's irises seemed distant as he put the helmet on his head and lowered the glass over Taehyung's eyes, so distant that Taehyung felt like his heart was going to break into pieces again. He hated the coldness that Jeongguk enveloped himself with—hated the walls he built around himself like he was trying to shield his mind and heart from any outsiders.

It hurt, being treated like an outsider.

On the other hand, Taehyung was also glad that Jeongguk wasn't pressuring him into talking because he wasn't sure what he should've said. He felt like there were thousands of emotions swirling inside of him, all overwhelmed by the sadness that constantly gripped his heart, and he knew it was wrong to feel that way after seeing someone else's happiness but he couldn't help but wish to have the same thing as they did. All the things he's kept bottled up seemed to overflow and every emotion he was feeling was heightened. The betrayal he's felt after being rejected by his supposedly fated one, the loneliness that's been killing him his whole life, the longing for someone he couldn't have, all those emotions were making his chest tighten and his lungs burn. Taehyung was happy for their friends, joyful even, but that didn't mean he couldn't feel sad because of his own feelings. He knew his emotions were valid, that he wasn't sad because of Jimin's happiness, but because of his own situation, but he still felt like a horrible person and an even more horrible friend. He was miserable—he felt lonely, abandoned and rejected, but he knew that he shouldn't let those feelings overwhelm his daily life.

He's been there before and he wasn't sure he could go through that phase again—getting enveloped by sadness and loneliness and choosing to isolate yourself from everyone because your misery was too heavy to wipe off.

Trying to keep himself from crying, Taehyung tightened his arms around Jeongguk's body, feeling the other turn his head sideways in order to glance at him. He didn't say a thing, starting the motorcycle in complete silence, and Taehyung felt grateful. He felt grateful for the much needed silence Jeongguk was offering him even if the coldness he had noticed in his eyes hurt him as well.

As the other drove, slower than usual, like he was trying to buy more time, Taehyung kept his eyes on the cars around them, the details keeping his mind focused on them instead of the pain that was overwhelming body, making it harder to breath and think clearly. After what felt like hours, but were just a few minutes, he felt the motorcycle stop and Jeongguk's warm body shift in front of him. The other got off but, this time, Taehyung followed, not wanting to accept his help again. He almost tripped on his own legs but he managed to stabilize his body before Jeongguk's arms could actually reach him and do so themselves.

"Careful." The other whispered, his eyes searching his face like he was trying to unravel a puzzle he couldn't understand.

Taehyung realized that he's watched him like that too—many times. During the first time he's met him, during their night in the club, when Jeongguk told him he couldn't be trusted but there he was, bringing him home without any reason to do so. Taehyung's looked at Jeongguk that way too and, maybe, he was doing the same thing now, as he took the helmet off and handed it back to him, because the other was indeed someone he wished he could unravel even if he knew he shouldn't do so.

"Thank you for bringing me home." He said once the helmet was out of his hands, watching as Jeongguk's lips twitched, but no smile appeared on his face.

"No need. I have to pick up some supplies from a local friend and your place is near it."

Taehyung absently nodded before deciding to turn around and walk back inside. He's tried to reach his soulmate for two years only to be rejected in the end and he wasn't going to do the same thing with Jeongguk. If the other didn't want to be his friend and felt like he had to pretend he was the worst person on earth, pretend that he hated him, then Taehyung didn't want to make him even more uncomfortable that he already was.

But he was confused.

Confused because Jeongguk pushed him away, told him his beliefs were wrong, that he was too naive, but he still stood up for him, still brought him home—that had happened twice already. It was like Jeongguk wasn't sure what he wanted himself, like he was constantly facing two sides of the same coin and didn't know which one to pick.

It felt like half of Jeongguk's heart and mind told him to avoid Taehyung like the plague, like he was the most horrible person he's ever met, whereas the other two halves pushed him forward and forced him to care, to be his friend.

Taehyung's heart gave a painful twist when the man realized that he would've rather wished for the latter to win in that internal war Jeongguk seemed to battle.

Taehyung was almost at the front door when the other's voice echoed around them, making him turn his head with hope in his eyes and maybe too much warmth in his heart. The air around them was slightly icy, brushing Taehyung's cheeks and making him shiver, but his body felt warm, warmer than he liked to admit as he stared into Jeongguk's eyes from the distance. Even from afar, he could notice the glittering stars inside them, the beauty they held.

Eyes were the mirror of the soul, Taehyung's been told that many times.

And Jeongguk's eyes told him that his soul was beautiful, warm, kind. He couldn't allow himself to believe that the cold persona Jeongguk put on around Taehyung was the real him. Not when his eyes shone with such brightness that it made even Taehyung's broken heart warm up.

"Taehyung," their eyes met and, for the first time, as he leaned on the same motorcycle that's helped them meet, Jeongguk smiled. Genuine, friendly—kind. It looked like the type of smile he showed his friends—unrestricted, unfiltered and truly real. "to answer your question from last night, I don't hate you. I just hate the idea of soulmates and you seem to be too keen on that. Our beliefs contradict."

Letting out a huff of air, Taehyung averted his eyes before looking back at the other with an ironic smile plastered on his face. Even if his smile was mocking, his heartbeat was picking up after hearing those words. He didn't hate him.

"I used to be keen on that," he mumbled before raising his blank wrist. There weren't words there anymore but Jeongguk must've known about it because recognition flashed over his face. "before I got rejected. I don't know what I'm keen on anymore, Jeongguk, but you're confusing me and I feel like I'm being a nuisance to you so, if I make you uncomfortable, just," he stopped, trying to find his words "just stop standing up for me and offering me rides home only to act like you hate me the following day."

Jeongguk's frown appeared once again but the smile was still there as well. A chuckle was all Taehyung heard before the other took the helmet and turned around.

"I'll see you later, Taehyung." He got on the motorcycle, the helmet still in his hands as he looked at him. "But as friends this time."

And, somehow, those words were weirdly reassuring to Taehyung because, as soon as he walked into his apartment, he didn't feel sad, confused and betrayed anymore. He felt relieved, even if the pain was still there, the pain of knowing your fated one didn't want you, and the loneliness still persisted in his chest, reminding him that his apartment was empty and cold—as it always seemed to be.

Still, Jeongguk's words and the image of his irises seemed to warm something inside Taehyung. Not like a distraction from the pain he felt, because Taehyung hated distractions.

It almost felt like healing.

And Taehyung could swear that he could feel his own heart try to piece itself back together—slowly, painfully, but trying.